Despite knowing that it was probably egotistical, Alec almost preened at the compliment. Most people didn't really value his insights. Magnus did, of course, but others tended to ignore him. Until he proved that his attention to details was an asset, not a boring trait that should be ignored. His siblings still rolled their eyes over it at times, but the Downworlder leaders seemed to think it was an advantage. He knew that Magnus valued most things about him, but the 'work' aspects of his life became routine, making the praise special, especially when he'd never thought anyone would think of him as a 'great' Shadowhunter. "But I prefer Banes," he teased, knowing that his husband had used the word intentionally.
Smiling softly, he leaned into the touch, humming softly as Magnus played with his hair. "We saved each other. I would have been miserable if we hadn't met." Technically, he would have died if Magnus hasn't intervened, but after that, if he hadn't said yes to the date, he would have slowly faded away. "You made me realize that I wanted this more than anything else. That I didn't have to hide who I am."
Which was one of the reasons he was so frightened of Magnus' reaction once they had all their memories again. He'd almost lost Magnus twice. He wasn't sure if he could survive it a third time. "We are, but I hurt you in the past." There was no point in denying it. Maybe if Magnus knew part of the truth, he'd be more accepting when he finally remembered what happened between them. "You almost didn't forgive me, but I think it was more than what I did. We both weren't ready to deal with the big issues." Magnus' past. Alec's mortality. How they could make their lives fit together when everyone assumed that it should be impossible. "But we have now." They wouldn't have gotten married if those issues still mattered. "I can deal with the memories, if I know you'll forgive me eventually."
Alec needed that reassurance even if he hated that he still had moments of doubting himself, doubting Mganus' feelings for him. He should be past that by now, but it was difficult to forget what had happened in the subway tunnel and what Magnus had said before disappearing into the darkness.
Giving his husband a weak smile, he nodded in agreement. "I am worried about him. He's different, but..." But it was a good different, which made him feel worse about how he'd ignored the signs that Jace was troubled. The problem was that the little things, the lack of furniture, the minimal clothes were the kinds of things that Jace had done back home. The emotional problems had been the obvious signs of problems, but if Jace refused help, there was nothing Alec could do except wait him out.
"I know he cares, Magnus. He's my parabatai, but he hasn't acted like he's cared this much in years." Looking down at their joined hands, he knew what he was about to say sounded childish. "I remember how scared he was, but afterward it was like I didn't exist because he had Clary." Maybe that was why Jace was so focused on him. Looking up, he tried to find the correct context for Magnus explanation. "Not knowing him as well gives you a new perspective, but I'm not sure what you mean about being more open when he looks at me."
"And I hope you still know that you never have to hide who you are or anything else from me," he replied, cupping his hand against Alec's cheek and gently stroking his thumb beneath his eye. It startled him to think how different they would both be without having met: Magnus an isolated and lonely warlock uninterested in the safety of others, Alec drowning himself in obligations and duty to the point of losing himself to his parents' expectations.
Tightening his hand slightly, fingers pressed into the skin behind Alec's ear, he pulled him close for a soft kiss. "In the past," he echoed, still convinced that a previous version of himself who had forgiven Alec couldn't be much different than the Magnus he was now, even if he couldn't remember the in-between. He couldn't make any promises about how he would react, but Alec's logic was sound. "Mortality," he mumbled, knowing it even without having it be said. It was something that still worried him when he thought about how much of his heart and soul would die along with Alec. But that wasn't something to add to the weight they were already bearing, so he locked it away for another time. "I can't imagine anything you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for but would still marry you after," he replied, lips quirked in a slight smirk even though he was being completely honest.
Mind returning to Jace, he nodded along while listening to Alec's observations. It was true that Jace had so often left Alec behind in favor of Clary, but it was possible that he was having a moment of clarity about his parabatai without any distractions around him. "Jace always looked at Clary like something unattainable," he said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts into one cohesive explanation. "She was something alien to him, and I think that's one reason he was so attached to her. But the way he looks at you is like home, something he knows and can rely on. Somewhere he wants to be, but suddenly he's unsure if he's allowed because of me," he concluded, thinking about Jace running from him at the masquerade.
For a moment, he couldn't stop himself from feeling guilty when Magnus mentioned not hiding things from him. That had been part of the reason why they'd broken up. If he'd told Magnus about Camille's offer as soon as he'd returned home... No, that was in the past. Second guessing himself wouldn't help now. "I know, but in the past I did. I was scared and forgot to think things through, but I won't do that again." He almost added that he'd promise not to do it, but he didn't want to risk breaking that vow. Not when they had finally worked things out.
Returning the kiss, he closed his eyes as he waited for Magnus' reaction to his confession. Or the start of his confession. He knew that it wasn't the right time. They needed to sit down and discuss the past without other distractions or worries about other members of their family. "Yes," he confirmed softly. "But we worked through it. We said we'd focus on the present and each day we were given together. We decided it was better to have now than worry about what would happen later." Alec hoped that Magnus still believed that now that that issue had been introduced again.
Swallowing hard, he realized Magnus wasn't angry. He wasn't going to accuse him of betraying him. Noticing the smirk, the pained tightening around his heart eased. Magnus would forgive him. "You did forgive me. It took time, but you did. If you want me to tell you later, I will." But not tonight. Alec doubted that either one of them was ready to deal with that yet.
Waiting for his husband to work through his thoughts, he smiled as he realized that Magnus put into words what Alec had thought but had been unable to express. "Yes, that's how things were with them." Even the idea of being home to Jace made sense. It was one reason why Jace had asked him to be his parabatai, even if he'd never admit that to Alec.
Slowly considering the different potential meanings of Magnus' words, he wasn't quite sure what to say when he finally began to consider something he'd thought was impossible. He still thought it was impossible and would until there was an obvious sign of what Magnus was implying. "Magnus, is he allowed now?" he asked slowly, not sure of how to discuss this with his husband. "I don't want you thinking that I'd... but we've been there for each other since we were kids. I don't want to push him away unless it's what's best for us." And even then, Alec wasn't sure if he could.
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angelic_archer) wrote2017-07-20 10:48 am
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Smiling softly, he leaned into the touch, humming softly as Magnus played with his hair. "We saved each other. I would have been miserable if we hadn't met." Technically, he would have died if Magnus hasn't intervened, but after that, if he hadn't said yes to the date, he would have slowly faded away. "You made me realize that I wanted this more than anything else. That I didn't have to hide who I am."
Which was one of the reasons he was so frightened of Magnus' reaction once they had all their memories again. He'd almost lost Magnus twice. He wasn't sure if he could survive it a third time. "We are, but I hurt you in the past." There was no point in denying it. Maybe if Magnus knew part of the truth, he'd be more accepting when he finally remembered what happened between them. "You almost didn't forgive me, but I think it was more than what I did. We both weren't ready to deal with the big issues." Magnus' past. Alec's mortality. How they could make their lives fit together when everyone assumed that it should be impossible. "But we have now." They wouldn't have gotten married if those issues still mattered. "I can deal with the memories, if I know you'll forgive me eventually."
Alec needed that reassurance even if he hated that he still had moments of doubting himself, doubting Mganus' feelings for him. He should be past that by now, but it was difficult to forget what had happened in the subway tunnel and what Magnus had said before disappearing into the darkness.
Giving his husband a weak smile, he nodded in agreement. "I am worried about him. He's different, but..." But it was a good different, which made him feel worse about how he'd ignored the signs that Jace was troubled. The problem was that the little things, the lack of furniture, the minimal clothes were the kinds of things that Jace had done back home. The emotional problems had been the obvious signs of problems, but if Jace refused help, there was nothing Alec could do except wait him out.
"I know he cares, Magnus. He's my parabatai, but he hasn't acted like he's cared this much in years." Looking down at their joined hands, he knew what he was about to say sounded childish. "I remember how scared he was, but afterward it was like I didn't exist because he had Clary." Maybe that was why Jace was so focused on him. Looking up, he tried to find the correct context for Magnus explanation. "Not knowing him as well gives you a new perspective, but I'm not sure what you mean about being more open when he looks at me."
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Tightening his hand slightly, fingers pressed into the skin behind Alec's ear, he pulled him close for a soft kiss. "In the past," he echoed, still convinced that a previous version of himself who had forgiven Alec couldn't be much different than the Magnus he was now, even if he couldn't remember the in-between. He couldn't make any promises about how he would react, but Alec's logic was sound. "Mortality," he mumbled, knowing it even without having it be said. It was something that still worried him when he thought about how much of his heart and soul would die along with Alec. But that wasn't something to add to the weight they were already bearing, so he locked it away for another time. "I can't imagine anything you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for but would still marry you after," he replied, lips quirked in a slight smirk even though he was being completely honest.
Mind returning to Jace, he nodded along while listening to Alec's observations. It was true that Jace had so often left Alec behind in favor of Clary, but it was possible that he was having a moment of clarity about his parabatai without any distractions around him. "Jace always looked at Clary like something unattainable," he said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts into one cohesive explanation. "She was something alien to him, and I think that's one reason he was so attached to her. But the way he looks at you is like home, something he knows and can rely on. Somewhere he wants to be, but suddenly he's unsure if he's allowed because of me," he concluded, thinking about Jace running from him at the masquerade.
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Returning the kiss, he closed his eyes as he waited for Magnus' reaction to his confession. Or the start of his confession. He knew that it wasn't the right time. They needed to sit down and discuss the past without other distractions or worries about other members of their family. "Yes," he confirmed softly. "But we worked through it. We said we'd focus on the present and each day we were given together. We decided it was better to have now than worry about what would happen later." Alec hoped that Magnus still believed that now that that issue had been introduced again.
Swallowing hard, he realized Magnus wasn't angry. He wasn't going to accuse him of betraying him. Noticing the smirk, the pained tightening around his heart eased. Magnus would forgive him. "You did forgive me. It took time, but you did. If you want me to tell you later, I will." But not tonight. Alec doubted that either one of them was ready to deal with that yet.
Waiting for his husband to work through his thoughts, he smiled as he realized that Magnus put into words what Alec had thought but had been unable to express. "Yes, that's how things were with them." Even the idea of being home to Jace made sense. It was one reason why Jace had asked him to be his parabatai, even if he'd never admit that to Alec.
Slowly considering the different potential meanings of Magnus' words, he wasn't quite sure what to say when he finally began to consider something he'd thought was impossible. He still thought it was impossible and would until there was an obvious sign of what Magnus was implying. "Magnus, is he allowed now?" he asked slowly, not sure of how to discuss this with his husband. "I don't want you thinking that I'd... but we've been there for each other since we were kids. I don't want to push him away unless it's what's best for us." And even then, Alec wasn't sure if he could.