Smiling at Alec, wondering how he was so lucky to be married to this man, Magnus nodded like Alec had said the most obvious thing in the world. "You're a good leader, whether you think so or not. Jace may have charisma and Isabelle may have tenacity, but you have compassion. And the other two, if you ask me, but the three of you have very different leadership styles." Which was yet another reason he'd been drawn to the eldest Lightwood sibling rather than the younger ones.
"You are worthy of being shown to the world, and not just because you have a nice ass," he teased lightly, hoping Alec knew by now that Magnus loved him for so much more than how he looked while wearing tight leather pants. Smile softening, he kissed Alec once more. "Not all prisons are physical, my love, and cannot be escaped with spells." After all, Camille had held him under her power for far longer than Magnus should have allowed, or would at this point in time or ever again in the future.
Sensing that the topic of memories was unsettling Alec, Magnus reached for both of his hands and help them together in his lap. "It will take time to decide. I don't want you thinking that I don't trust you, or our relationship, just because some of the pieces are missing. But it's hard to know who I am when I can't remember all of it..." He sighed, looking down at their clasped hands and lifting one to kiss the ring adorning Alec's left hand. "And it would take time to perfect a spell. Here, we have the time." Alec was safe here, from his culture and society and all the dangers that came with his important job in life.
"Jace," he sighed, remembering the reason they were talking in the first place. "Yes, we need to figure out what's causing him to act so strangely other than your apparent death." Which obviously didn't happen, both because Alec was alive and Magnus remembered bringing him back. "Would you like to confront him, or see how it plays out for now? He's your parabatai, and I'll follow you're lead in this."
"I don't think I count as a leader." He'd never have the Institute, and he never had wanted it even if he was the eldest. He wasn't suited for that role and the Clave would never accept a nineteen year old who was dating a male warlock as the head of an Institute. "But I like fixing problems." That was a more important duty. Everyone was so caught up in discussions and arguments that they needed someone who would get to the heart of a problem and look for solutions. "It's okay that I'm different than them. There's nothing wrong with me." Which was something that Alec never thought he'd say until he'd started falling for Magnus.
Making a soft sound that wasn't quite meant as agreement, he kissed his husband, focusing on the more serious comment instead of the compliment. "That's why you have me, Magnus. I help you escape when spells won't work and when the prison is one that isn't easily escaped." Magnus had helped free him and for as long as Alec lived, he'd be beside Magnus to help with the mental 'prisons' that were so difficult to escape.
If Magnus hadn't kissed his hand, he probably would have kept his worries to himself, but Alec knew that hiding things had almost destroyed their relationship in the past. "What if you don't want me after you get your memories back?" he asked softly, not quite able to meet Magnus' eyes. He'd been angry at Alec, rightly so, and Catarina had helped Magnus decide to give him a second chance. Here there was no Catarina to plead his case or to help Magnus through that hurt. "I did something that hurt you. What if you don't want to forgive me when you remember it?"
Playing with one of Magnus' rings, he knew that the memories were something that he couldn't avoid. Eventually Magnus would find the spell and...
"He's skittish. It's like he's ready to panic any time I'm out of sight, and I have no idea how to get through to him. Patience worked after his father died but this is more than just grief." There was something else there that Alec didn't understand. "Even when I almost died, he wasn't this scared of losing me." Once Jace had known he was stable, he'd spent most of his time with Clary. Ignoring the twist of jealousy that caught in his chest, he swallowed hard, not thinking of how much that had hurt when he'd realized that Jace wasn't visiting him like he used to. "What have you noticed about him that's different?" It'd be better to know more about the odd behavior before deciding how to react to it.
Though it was strange to hear Alec think of himself that way, Magnus let it go in favor of more pressing matters and the positive changes that Alec saw in himself. "You're an excellent problem solver," he agreed, moving in closer so that he could press up against Alec's side. "I'm proud of you for seeing your differences as boons rather than banes," he said, a spark of mirth in his eyes at using his own last name.
Lifting a hand, he gently brushed Alec's hair back from his forehead while drinking in his strong features and beautiful face. "You've done so much for me," he said with surprising softness in his voice, heart clenching with a sudden and overwhelming wave of love for Alec. "You saved me, Alexander." In so many meanings of the term, but most importantly he had saved Magnus from a lonely life, petrified by the possibility of loss rather than living life to its true potential.
It's one reason the question took him by surprise, and he squeezed Alec's hands tightly while frowning at him in confusion. "Alexander," he said softly, moving a hand to tilt Alec's head up so he'd look at Magnus, "We're married, aren't we? And we're in love, to the point that it was the first thing I remembered while so much else stayed lost." Though it made his stomach clench to think that Alec had done something to the level of threatening their relationship, he couldn't imagine himself marrying a man who had irreversibly hurt him. "If I forgave you once, I'll forgive you again."
Taking both of Alec's hands again, he pulled them into his lap. "Let's focus on one thing at a time, darling. We can think about the memories when the time arises, but right now you're more worried about Jace." Or so he sensed, because even if Alec always spoke the words to Magnus, he also loved Jace. Frowning, he shook his head as Alec's confusion. "I keep telling you, he cares for you. He was hysteric when we thought you had... When we almost lost you." A memory which still pained him, to be so useless when part of Alec's soul had been lost and needed help finding its way back.
He sighed, a wry smile finding its way onto his face. "I don't know him as well as you," he prefaced, wondering if this way a bad idea, "But the way he looks at you is more... open," he finished, trying to collect his thoughts even as he voiced them.
Despite knowing that it was probably egotistical, Alec almost preened at the compliment. Most people didn't really value his insights. Magnus did, of course, but others tended to ignore him. Until he proved that his attention to details was an asset, not a boring trait that should be ignored. His siblings still rolled their eyes over it at times, but the Downworlder leaders seemed to think it was an advantage. He knew that Magnus valued most things about him, but the 'work' aspects of his life became routine, making the praise special, especially when he'd never thought anyone would think of him as a 'great' Shadowhunter. "But I prefer Banes," he teased, knowing that his husband had used the word intentionally.
Smiling softly, he leaned into the touch, humming softly as Magnus played with his hair. "We saved each other. I would have been miserable if we hadn't met." Technically, he would have died if Magnus hasn't intervened, but after that, if he hadn't said yes to the date, he would have slowly faded away. "You made me realize that I wanted this more than anything else. That I didn't have to hide who I am."
Which was one of the reasons he was so frightened of Magnus' reaction once they had all their memories again. He'd almost lost Magnus twice. He wasn't sure if he could survive it a third time. "We are, but I hurt you in the past." There was no point in denying it. Maybe if Magnus knew part of the truth, he'd be more accepting when he finally remembered what happened between them. "You almost didn't forgive me, but I think it was more than what I did. We both weren't ready to deal with the big issues." Magnus' past. Alec's mortality. How they could make their lives fit together when everyone assumed that it should be impossible. "But we have now." They wouldn't have gotten married if those issues still mattered. "I can deal with the memories, if I know you'll forgive me eventually."
Alec needed that reassurance even if he hated that he still had moments of doubting himself, doubting Mganus' feelings for him. He should be past that by now, but it was difficult to forget what had happened in the subway tunnel and what Magnus had said before disappearing into the darkness.
Giving his husband a weak smile, he nodded in agreement. "I am worried about him. He's different, but..." But it was a good different, which made him feel worse about how he'd ignored the signs that Jace was troubled. The problem was that the little things, the lack of furniture, the minimal clothes were the kinds of things that Jace had done back home. The emotional problems had been the obvious signs of problems, but if Jace refused help, there was nothing Alec could do except wait him out.
"I know he cares, Magnus. He's my parabatai, but he hasn't acted like he's cared this much in years." Looking down at their joined hands, he knew what he was about to say sounded childish. "I remember how scared he was, but afterward it was like I didn't exist because he had Clary." Maybe that was why Jace was so focused on him. Looking up, he tried to find the correct context for Magnus explanation. "Not knowing him as well gives you a new perspective, but I'm not sure what you mean about being more open when he looks at me."
"And I hope you still know that you never have to hide who you are or anything else from me," he replied, cupping his hand against Alec's cheek and gently stroking his thumb beneath his eye. It startled him to think how different they would both be without having met: Magnus an isolated and lonely warlock uninterested in the safety of others, Alec drowning himself in obligations and duty to the point of losing himself to his parents' expectations.
Tightening his hand slightly, fingers pressed into the skin behind Alec's ear, he pulled him close for a soft kiss. "In the past," he echoed, still convinced that a previous version of himself who had forgiven Alec couldn't be much different than the Magnus he was now, even if he couldn't remember the in-between. He couldn't make any promises about how he would react, but Alec's logic was sound. "Mortality," he mumbled, knowing it even without having it be said. It was something that still worried him when he thought about how much of his heart and soul would die along with Alec. But that wasn't something to add to the weight they were already bearing, so he locked it away for another time. "I can't imagine anything you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for but would still marry you after," he replied, lips quirked in a slight smirk even though he was being completely honest.
Mind returning to Jace, he nodded along while listening to Alec's observations. It was true that Jace had so often left Alec behind in favor of Clary, but it was possible that he was having a moment of clarity about his parabatai without any distractions around him. "Jace always looked at Clary like something unattainable," he said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts into one cohesive explanation. "She was something alien to him, and I think that's one reason he was so attached to her. But the way he looks at you is like home, something he knows and can rely on. Somewhere he wants to be, but suddenly he's unsure if he's allowed because of me," he concluded, thinking about Jace running from him at the masquerade.
For a moment, he couldn't stop himself from feeling guilty when Magnus mentioned not hiding things from him. That had been part of the reason why they'd broken up. If he'd told Magnus about Camille's offer as soon as he'd returned home... No, that was in the past. Second guessing himself wouldn't help now. "I know, but in the past I did. I was scared and forgot to think things through, but I won't do that again." He almost added that he'd promise not to do it, but he didn't want to risk breaking that vow. Not when they had finally worked things out.
Returning the kiss, he closed his eyes as he waited for Magnus' reaction to his confession. Or the start of his confession. He knew that it wasn't the right time. They needed to sit down and discuss the past without other distractions or worries about other members of their family. "Yes," he confirmed softly. "But we worked through it. We said we'd focus on the present and each day we were given together. We decided it was better to have now than worry about what would happen later." Alec hoped that Magnus still believed that now that that issue had been introduced again.
Swallowing hard, he realized Magnus wasn't angry. He wasn't going to accuse him of betraying him. Noticing the smirk, the pained tightening around his heart eased. Magnus would forgive him. "You did forgive me. It took time, but you did. If you want me to tell you later, I will." But not tonight. Alec doubted that either one of them was ready to deal with that yet.
Waiting for his husband to work through his thoughts, he smiled as he realized that Magnus put into words what Alec had thought but had been unable to express. "Yes, that's how things were with them." Even the idea of being home to Jace made sense. It was one reason why Jace had asked him to be his parabatai, even if he'd never admit that to Alec.
Slowly considering the different potential meanings of Magnus' words, he wasn't quite sure what to say when he finally began to consider something he'd thought was impossible. He still thought it was impossible and would until there was an obvious sign of what Magnus was implying. "Magnus, is he allowed now?" he asked slowly, not sure of how to discuss this with his husband. "I don't want you thinking that I'd... but we've been there for each other since we were kids. I don't want to push him away unless it's what's best for us." And even then, Alec wasn't sure if he could.
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angelic_archer) wrote2017-07-20 10:48 am
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"You are worthy of being shown to the world, and not just because you have a nice ass," he teased lightly, hoping Alec knew by now that Magnus loved him for so much more than how he looked while wearing tight leather pants. Smile softening, he kissed Alec once more. "Not all prisons are physical, my love, and cannot be escaped with spells." After all, Camille had held him under her power for far longer than Magnus should have allowed, or would at this point in time or ever again in the future.
Sensing that the topic of memories was unsettling Alec, Magnus reached for both of his hands and help them together in his lap. "It will take time to decide. I don't want you thinking that I don't trust you, or our relationship, just because some of the pieces are missing. But it's hard to know who I am when I can't remember all of it..." He sighed, looking down at their clasped hands and lifting one to kiss the ring adorning Alec's left hand. "And it would take time to perfect a spell. Here, we have the time." Alec was safe here, from his culture and society and all the dangers that came with his important job in life.
"Jace," he sighed, remembering the reason they were talking in the first place. "Yes, we need to figure out what's causing him to act so strangely other than your apparent death." Which obviously didn't happen, both because Alec was alive and Magnus remembered bringing him back. "Would you like to confront him, or see how it plays out for now? He's your parabatai, and I'll follow you're lead in this."
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Making a soft sound that wasn't quite meant as agreement, he kissed his husband, focusing on the more serious comment instead of the compliment. "That's why you have me, Magnus. I help you escape when spells won't work and when the prison is one that isn't easily escaped." Magnus had helped free him and for as long as Alec lived, he'd be beside Magnus to help with the mental 'prisons' that were so difficult to escape.
If Magnus hadn't kissed his hand, he probably would have kept his worries to himself, but Alec knew that hiding things had almost destroyed their relationship in the past. "What if you don't want me after you get your memories back?" he asked softly, not quite able to meet Magnus' eyes. He'd been angry at Alec, rightly so, and Catarina had helped Magnus decide to give him a second chance. Here there was no Catarina to plead his case or to help Magnus through that hurt. "I did something that hurt you. What if you don't want to forgive me when you remember it?"
Playing with one of Magnus' rings, he knew that the memories were something that he couldn't avoid. Eventually Magnus would find the spell and...
"He's skittish. It's like he's ready to panic any time I'm out of sight, and I have no idea how to get through to him. Patience worked after his father died but this is more than just grief." There was something else there that Alec didn't understand. "Even when I almost died, he wasn't this scared of losing me." Once Jace had known he was stable, he'd spent most of his time with Clary. Ignoring the twist of jealousy that caught in his chest, he swallowed hard, not thinking of how much that had hurt when he'd realized that Jace wasn't visiting him like he used to. "What have you noticed about him that's different?" It'd be better to know more about the odd behavior before deciding how to react to it.
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Lifting a hand, he gently brushed Alec's hair back from his forehead while drinking in his strong features and beautiful face. "You've done so much for me," he said with surprising softness in his voice, heart clenching with a sudden and overwhelming wave of love for Alec. "You saved me, Alexander." In so many meanings of the term, but most importantly he had saved Magnus from a lonely life, petrified by the possibility of loss rather than living life to its true potential.
It's one reason the question took him by surprise, and he squeezed Alec's hands tightly while frowning at him in confusion. "Alexander," he said softly, moving a hand to tilt Alec's head up so he'd look at Magnus, "We're married, aren't we? And we're in love, to the point that it was the first thing I remembered while so much else stayed lost." Though it made his stomach clench to think that Alec had done something to the level of threatening their relationship, he couldn't imagine himself marrying a man who had irreversibly hurt him. "If I forgave you once, I'll forgive you again."
Taking both of Alec's hands again, he pulled them into his lap. "Let's focus on one thing at a time, darling. We can think about the memories when the time arises, but right now you're more worried about Jace." Or so he sensed, because even if Alec always spoke the words to Magnus, he also loved Jace. Frowning, he shook his head as Alec's confusion. "I keep telling you, he cares for you. He was hysteric when we thought you had... When we almost lost you." A memory which still pained him, to be so useless when part of Alec's soul had been lost and needed help finding its way back.
He sighed, a wry smile finding its way onto his face. "I don't know him as well as you," he prefaced, wondering if this way a bad idea, "But the way he looks at you is more... open," he finished, trying to collect his thoughts even as he voiced them.
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Smiling softly, he leaned into the touch, humming softly as Magnus played with his hair. "We saved each other. I would have been miserable if we hadn't met." Technically, he would have died if Magnus hasn't intervened, but after that, if he hadn't said yes to the date, he would have slowly faded away. "You made me realize that I wanted this more than anything else. That I didn't have to hide who I am."
Which was one of the reasons he was so frightened of Magnus' reaction once they had all their memories again. He'd almost lost Magnus twice. He wasn't sure if he could survive it a third time. "We are, but I hurt you in the past." There was no point in denying it. Maybe if Magnus knew part of the truth, he'd be more accepting when he finally remembered what happened between them. "You almost didn't forgive me, but I think it was more than what I did. We both weren't ready to deal with the big issues." Magnus' past. Alec's mortality. How they could make their lives fit together when everyone assumed that it should be impossible. "But we have now." They wouldn't have gotten married if those issues still mattered. "I can deal with the memories, if I know you'll forgive me eventually."
Alec needed that reassurance even if he hated that he still had moments of doubting himself, doubting Mganus' feelings for him. He should be past that by now, but it was difficult to forget what had happened in the subway tunnel and what Magnus had said before disappearing into the darkness.
Giving his husband a weak smile, he nodded in agreement. "I am worried about him. He's different, but..." But it was a good different, which made him feel worse about how he'd ignored the signs that Jace was troubled. The problem was that the little things, the lack of furniture, the minimal clothes were the kinds of things that Jace had done back home. The emotional problems had been the obvious signs of problems, but if Jace refused help, there was nothing Alec could do except wait him out.
"I know he cares, Magnus. He's my parabatai, but he hasn't acted like he's cared this much in years." Looking down at their joined hands, he knew what he was about to say sounded childish. "I remember how scared he was, but afterward it was like I didn't exist because he had Clary." Maybe that was why Jace was so focused on him. Looking up, he tried to find the correct context for Magnus explanation. "Not knowing him as well gives you a new perspective, but I'm not sure what you mean about being more open when he looks at me."
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Tightening his hand slightly, fingers pressed into the skin behind Alec's ear, he pulled him close for a soft kiss. "In the past," he echoed, still convinced that a previous version of himself who had forgiven Alec couldn't be much different than the Magnus he was now, even if he couldn't remember the in-between. He couldn't make any promises about how he would react, but Alec's logic was sound. "Mortality," he mumbled, knowing it even without having it be said. It was something that still worried him when he thought about how much of his heart and soul would die along with Alec. But that wasn't something to add to the weight they were already bearing, so he locked it away for another time. "I can't imagine anything you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for but would still marry you after," he replied, lips quirked in a slight smirk even though he was being completely honest.
Mind returning to Jace, he nodded along while listening to Alec's observations. It was true that Jace had so often left Alec behind in favor of Clary, but it was possible that he was having a moment of clarity about his parabatai without any distractions around him. "Jace always looked at Clary like something unattainable," he said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts into one cohesive explanation. "She was something alien to him, and I think that's one reason he was so attached to her. But the way he looks at you is like home, something he knows and can rely on. Somewhere he wants to be, but suddenly he's unsure if he's allowed because of me," he concluded, thinking about Jace running from him at the masquerade.
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Returning the kiss, he closed his eyes as he waited for Magnus' reaction to his confession. Or the start of his confession. He knew that it wasn't the right time. They needed to sit down and discuss the past without other distractions or worries about other members of their family. "Yes," he confirmed softly. "But we worked through it. We said we'd focus on the present and each day we were given together. We decided it was better to have now than worry about what would happen later." Alec hoped that Magnus still believed that now that that issue had been introduced again.
Swallowing hard, he realized Magnus wasn't angry. He wasn't going to accuse him of betraying him. Noticing the smirk, the pained tightening around his heart eased. Magnus would forgive him. "You did forgive me. It took time, but you did. If you want me to tell you later, I will." But not tonight. Alec doubted that either one of them was ready to deal with that yet.
Waiting for his husband to work through his thoughts, he smiled as he realized that Magnus put into words what Alec had thought but had been unable to express. "Yes, that's how things were with them." Even the idea of being home to Jace made sense. It was one reason why Jace had asked him to be his parabatai, even if he'd never admit that to Alec.
Slowly considering the different potential meanings of Magnus' words, he wasn't quite sure what to say when he finally began to consider something he'd thought was impossible. He still thought it was impossible and would until there was an obvious sign of what Magnus was implying. "Magnus, is he allowed now?" he asked slowly, not sure of how to discuss this with his husband. "I don't want you thinking that I'd... but we've been there for each other since we were kids. I don't want to push him away unless it's what's best for us." And even then, Alec wasn't sure if he could.