angelic_archer | Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet_cellist)

Alec had been sneaking into the concert hall for years. Since he was a little boy feeling lost in a family that ignored him unless it was to groom him into the ideal heir. He practiced and studied and part of him had longed for something he hadn't understood until he'd heard music from the symphony drifting through the air one night. Then Alec had finally understood what was missing. It'd been like finding a missing part of his heart and he'd soon started sneaking out at night to be able to hear them play. He eventually found every place in the city where he could sneak in and listen to the sweeping music without being noticed.

That was how he'd found Sebastian. A kind, mundane boy with the Sight who hadn't been afraid of a boy with marks all over his skin who wanted to listen to others play, wishing he could learn to make soul lifting music. But Shadowhunters weren't supposed to focus on trivial things like music. Sebastian had made him realize it wasn't bad to want those things he couldn't have. That others loved music just as much as Alec did. He finally didn't feel weird or like he was disappointing anyone.

They'd been best friends for years until Sebastian's family had moved away. They'd found a way to communicate, letters written that Alec carefully edited to make sure that Sebastian never found out about the Shadow World. Then the letters had stopped and Alec had retreated into quiet solitude, being the leader his family expected and his siblings needed. But sometimes...

Sometimes he had to sneak out, always finding his way to the place where he'd met Sebastian. There he could let go of all the expectations and be himself instead of the person his family needed. A few carefully placed runes kept anyone from noticing him as he crept to through the building to the walkways that Sebastian had shown him. The perfect place to listen without having anyone notice him. Sitting down in their favorite spot, Alec sighed, closing his eyes to focus on the music but he couldn't stop thinking about Sebastian and how much he missed him.

There were times when Alec worried that something terrible had happened to his friend and others that he was able to convince himself that Sebastian was just busy. Hopefully he was safe and had just forgotten about the 'invisible boy' he'd met while listening to the symphony. Maybe someday he'd remember and Alec would hear from him again.

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"I want to tell you." Sebastian was glad Alec held his hand. Maybe it should be strange to find himself so close to someone he hadn't seen in years, but it didn't feel strange. It felt right and good and he felt like an emptiness that had hollowed him out was being filled up again. "I feel not telling you everything that has happened is the same as lying to you. But I want tonight to just be like this."

He squeezed Alec's hand in his and smiled. All the bad could wait if Alec didn't mind waiting.

"Do you want to take the food into the bedroom and sit on the bed. I have a television in there and a stereo. We could listen to music or watch a movie or just talk or all of the above."

"It's not lying. Not if you intend on telling me." Alec knew that he wasn't patient but for Sebastian he could find that particular virtue. He wouldn't push when Sebastian wanted him to know. From the way his friend was acting, whatever had happened had been painful and Alec wasn't going to force Sebastian to confront that when he might not be ready. "Knowing that you want to tell me is enough."

They would have time to deal with the painful parts of the past and all the things that they didn't want to think of yet. Or Alec didn't want to think of when Sebastian was offering to let them eat in his bedroom. On his bed.

He was not going to blush over that even if his heart stuttered at the thought. They were friends. That meant it was okay to do things like that. Alec just thought that it might mean something else. "We could watch a movie." That would be more distracting than the music which would keep Alec from wondering about if there was more to what was going on between them than best friends getting to know each other again. "Maybe music later?"

"I will tell you. I promise." Just not right now and maybe not even tonight. He wanted to enjoy being happy with his best friend. Celebrate being with him again and knowing they may never have to be apart again.

"A movie sounds nice. Which movie would you like to watch?" He asked, taking a breath and regrettably and shyly untangling his fingers from Alec's. But only so he could grab the food and some plates for them. He passed Alec the plates from the cupboard and started putting the food back in the bag to carry to the bedroom.

Sebastian couldn't stop smiling at the thought that they were actually going to watch a movie together in a space where they didn't have to hide from anyone. He couldn't keep himself from looking at Alec as if seeing him for the first time all over again. Wanting to see how different and similar he was after all this time.

"I know you will." They'd never kept the important things from each other. At least not the things that they were allowed to tell. Alec had never told his friend about Shadowhunters but it hadn't really seemed important to him. Did it really matter that Alec was Nephilim? It was part of who he was just as much as the color of his eyes. It couldn't be changed and he was forbidden to tell a Mundane. Sebastian wouldn't want him punished for telling him. Especially when it might mean that Alec would never be able to talk to him again.

The question about the movie caused Alec to mentally scramble for an answer. He was so unaware of Mundane culture most of the time that he had no idea what was out. He wasn't even sure what type of movies Sebastian liked. "I like comic book ones," he blurted out, mentally wincing as he remembered how Izzy and Jace reacted whenever he wanted to watch that type of movie. "But if you don't like those... anything but horror is fine."

Horror didn't bother him except it was so inaccurate and people acted so silly in the things that he couldn't stand them most of the time.

Taking the plates, Alec tried not to be nervous about spending time so close to his best friend. He did similar things with Jace all the time and it didn't bother him. Well, most of the time it didn't. Noticing Sebastian's smile, his heart skipped and he suddenly felt clumsy.

Making sure that he wouldn't drop anything he followed Sebastian to the bedroom. Realizing that Sebastian was watching him, he gave his friend a sheepish smile. "Everything okay?"

"Better than they have been in a long time." Sebastian smiled brighter-if it was even possible-but then his shoulder hit the door frame because he was paying more attention to Alec than where he was going.

He was glad he had a good hold on the food otherwise it would have ended up on the floor and they wouldn't have a distraction to keep him from thinking things about Alec that maybe he shouldn't.

"I like comic book movies. Maybe we can find one neither of us have seen."

Yes. Pretend he didn't just run into a wall. Alec couldn't have noticed him actually running into the door frame.

The smile that Sebastian gave him caused his breath to catch. Even after years of friendship, Alec had never seen Sebastian smile at him like that. He couldn't remember anyone looking so happy because of him. "Good. They're better for me too."

Somehow he kept the laughter out of his voice when Sebastian ran into the wall but his lips twitched as he fought back a grin. He almost convinced himself that it was just excitement that had made Sebastian clumsy but he had the feeling that it was the same reason why people stared at him when Izzy dragged him to nightclubs.

"I haven't seen many of them. Izzy and Jace usually pick the movies." And Alec went along with whatever they chose. It was easier than dealing with the teasing.

"I wanted to see the new Spiderman." It felt strange making the suggestion instead of following along but it was right when he was with Sebastian.

Sebastian set the food on a tray on his dresser and then moved it over to the bed for them. The bed was mostly made as he'd barely slept in it the night before.

"I haven't seen the new Spiderman. I've wanted to." He hadn't been in a good place to enjoy it. But looking at Alec, holding plates and standing in his bedroom, he thought he was in the best he could be to enjoy it now. "I'm glad things are better for you, Alec."

He stood there smiling at Alec until he realized he should probably be a better host. "Come make yourself comfortable."

Looking around the room, he glanced briefly at the bed and flushed slightly. There was no reason to be embarrassed about but he suddenly felt shy. They weren't going to do anything. He didn't even know if Sebastian would be interested. They hadn't seen each other in years. Sebastian could have a boyfriend or not think of Alec like that.

"Then Spiderman?" He sounded more hopeful than he expected, mentally wincing at his tone. He really needed to voice his opinion more often if he sounded that excited over seeing a movie. Or he needed to quit thinking about sitting on the bed, eating take out, and watching a movie like they were on a date instead of just catching up.

Moving into the room, he kept telling himself 'just friends' as he set down the plates. For a moment, he stared at the bed, wondering what exactly he should do. Every way of getting comfortable he thought of seemed a little too intimate.

Shaking off that thought, he started unlacing his boots, hoping that would be enough of a distraction. "You should sit down too." Which might give Alec an idea of what would be polite since he had no idea. It didn't seem right to just plop down on the bed the way Jace would.

"The Amazing Spider-Man." Sebastian smiled, removing his own shoes and climbing onto the bed. He started rearranging the pillows so they could be more comfortable, putting his and Alec's next to each other. And then slightly apart. And then together again. How close was too close?

Was he being clingy? Did Alec think he was being clingy? They hadn't seen each other in so long and Alec seemed to have missed him just as much so they could sit side by side.

So much going through his head all at once he actually felt nervous. Jack had been the only person other than Alec that he'd share a close friendship with. But they had also been lovers. So was inviting Alec to his room too much for Alec as a friend? Was Alec being hesitant about things or was he imagining it?

He settled back against his pillows and picked up the remote for the television. Alec was removing his shoes so he took the chance to watch him again.

"I still can't get over the shock of seeing you again. I'm so happy you must think I'm being ridiculous about everything."

"My little brother has the comics. Sometimes he lets me read them. When he's not mad at me for taking away his toys." Technically a stele wasn't a toy but he wasn't going to explain that to Sebastian or how disasters seemed to follow Max around. It might give Sebastian the wrong impression of his Max.

Watching Sebastian rearrange the pillows, he slowly began to relax. He was just as nervous as Alec even if Alec wasn't sure why. Sebastian had suggested the movie so why would he be acting shy?

Maybe this wasn't normal. Alec didn't really have a scale or any idea of what boundaries might be for a Mundane. His only real friends were Izzy and Jace and he couldn't use them as a model. Parabatai were different even among Shadowhunters and Izzy loved to drive him crazy.

Swinging his legs onto the bed, he gave Sebastian a small smile that steadied when his friend said he was happy to see him. "I'm just as happy. You're my first friend, Sebastian. You were the only person I could really be myself with." Alec had missed that when Sebastian had moved and it had worsened when all contact had stopped. "I just don't want to mess anything up. I'm not good at being social. At least that's what my family says."

Sebastian took Alec's hand in his the way Alec had earlier. Twining their fingers together. He thought their hands looked nice like this. Like they were meant to be together.

The thought made him blush, but he only held on tighter. "Being the oldest must be hard sometimes."

He frowned a bit at Alec and turned a little face him.

"I'm horrible at being social. But that didn't stop us from becoming friends. When I saw you in the theater it was the first time I wanted something so deeply I was willing to risk making my father angry. Or worse. And I haven't regretted that decision. So you can't mess things up."

"It's..." What could he say? He was the heir. He was supposed to continue the family name and protect his siblings. His parents had basically abandoned them except to show his siblings off to the Clave as the shiny examples of what Shadowhunters should be. It was hard but it felt wrong to say it. Except he hated lying to Sebastian about something that he could talk about. "It is but I have to be there for my family."

Looking down at their hands, Alec smiled softly, relaxing for what felt like the first time in years. He didn't have to pretend with Sebastian. He could be honest without worrying that he'd be a disappointment. He was with someone he cared about that had been an important part of his life since they'd met.

It seemed right that they were sitting together, holding hands, ready to eat dinner and watch a movie. Like this should be something that should happen every night.

"No. Everyone would have said we shouldn't be friends." Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be friends with Mundanes. Technically, they weren't supposed to be friends with anyone except Nephilim. "I felt the same way about you. I knew my family would be angry." Even now they'd be angry if they found out. "But I wanted to talk to someone who understood why I loved music. I hope you're right about not being able to mess things up. I don't want to lose you now that we found each other again."

"You won't." The response was instant and absolute. Sebastian understood the pain of losing someone, not just once, but twice. He'd missed Alec so very much when Jack had come into his life. And he'd missed Alec while Jack was still in his life. Jack hadn't replaced any part of the friendship he'd found with Alec.

It was the thought of losing Alec after everything that happened and finding him again that made his chest squeeze painfully tight. He turned away and wiped his cheek against his shoulder, reaching for the tray and pulling it closer.

"It took me a long time to find my way back to you. I'm not going anywhere, Alec."

He couldn't hide this from Alec. Not Alec. But he couldn't talk about it either. So he pulled Alec's hand to his lips and kissed it before slowly attempting to pull his fingers free. "Hungry?"

Alec was going to protest that Sebastian couldn't make that promise. Shadowhunters grew up knowing how dangerous life could be. Being a Mundane didn't change those risks. But he heard something in Sebastian's voice that made him hold back. He couldn't deny Sebastian's words when it seemed so important to his friend. Or when he saw that covert gesture that looked like Sebastian might be wiping away tears.

"Neither one of us is." He knew he should say more but he wasn't sure what. They both had been hurt by the distance that had been forced between them but what could he say to make that go away.

Still trying to think of something to comfort his friend, Alec his thoughts stilled when Sebastian kissed his hand. For a moment, he stared at Sebastian, breath catching slightly as he realized what had happened. That... that wasn't a normal friendship type gesture. Even parabatai didn't do things like that.

Maybe Sebastian really did think...

"I - uh - " Yes, he was but there was something he needed to do first before he tried to rationalize what Sebastian had done. His heart ached and he felt like he was about to confront a demon by himself but he had to see if he was reading things right. Keeping is fingers tangled with his friends, Alec leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Sebastian's lips, hoping that he wasn't wrong.

Sebastian started to smile at the way Alec held onto his hand. His friend was promising the same and somehow he didn't doubt it would be true. They wouldn't be separated by anyone or anything outside of their friendship. This time they could choose what they wanted and they were choosing to be stay together.

He knew promises couldn't always be kept. Sometimes there were things out of their control. But having the choice made their promises to each other more real.

Like the touch of Alec's lips against his own. It surprised him in a way that seemed to freeze his thoughts and make his heart suddenly beat harder and faster. It was perfect and sweet and thrilling all at once and for a moment all Sebastian could do was be kissed and then stare.

Alec kissed him.

He'd read things wrong. Sebastian didn't react when he kissed him and the way he was staring... He shouldn't have done it. The Clave said it was wrong. Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be gay and they weren't supposed to have feelings for Mundanes.

Swallowing hard, he tried to hide the hurt that ached in his chest. At least Sebastian had promised that nothing would ruin their friendship. Slowly, he uncurled his fingers from Sebastian's ready to move off the bed if that was what his friend wanted. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

The loss of Alec's warmth was enough to make Sebastian blink and look down at their hands. At his hand. Alec was pulling away when all Sebastian wanted was to pull him in closer and...kiss him.

It wasn't a thought he needed to have. It wasn't a decision he needed to make. It wasn't even a question. He wanted Alec. He wanted to kiss him. And so he did. Lurching forward almost clumsily to grab Alec's face and hold him before he could move too far away. Not a soft, sweet press of lips. If Jack had taught him anything about himself it was that he couldn't let fear stop him from being who he wanted to be or keep him from expressing himself to the people he cared for most in this world. He'd learned too late what needed to be said and done, but he would not be too late this time.

If anything he was probably rushing things between him and Alec, but he could argue later that Alec had started it. Alec had kissed him. Not on the hand or the cheek. On the lips. And in that moment everything had become more clear to Sebastian.

He had always loved Alec.

And he kissed him with all the emotion he had tangled up inside of himself.

They couldn't stop being friends. Alec wasn't sure what he'd do if he lost Sebastian again. It'd felt like he was finally himself again after all the years of separation. How could he go back to living a hollow life after knowing what it was like to feel normal?

As he pulled his hand away, he couldn't stop staring at Sebastian's. He shouldn't have pushed. Sebastian's kiss had been just affection. It hadn't been because of any attraction his friend felt. It was no different than Jace hugging him after one of their fights. It didn't mean anything deeper than that.

He was telling himself that over and over when he felt hands on his face. Startling, he somehow ended up moving forward instead of away, instincts completely confused by Sebastian trying to kiss him.

The kiss wasn't like the ones he'd imagined. It was awkward and he barely managed not to collide with Sebastian but it was heartfelt. Years of yearning ached in his chest that he hadn't even realized had been there. For years he'd thought that Jace had been his first love but it really have been the shy boy he'd met at the symphony.

Sebastian had been his first, true friend. The person who he could be open and honest with. Why hadn't he realized that Sebastian was the one he had fallen for?

Parting his lips, he tried to return the kiss, unsure of what Sebastian would like but pouring all his hopes into it. His hand caught in his friend's shirt, tugging him closer as he fell back against the pillows, afraid that if he let go Sebastian would realize what he'd done and pull away.

Sebastian followed Alec, glad for the pull and the clear response that, yes, Alec wanted this. Wanted him. He parted his lips and curled his hands around Alec's head, fingers pushing into his hair. And it still wasn't close enough. He felt like he'd been deprived of something so very important and only now was realizing what it was.

Touching him, kissing him, feeling the heat radiating off his body, and remembering the day they had met. Alec's smile. His voice. His passion for music. They had talked about personal, sometimes painful, things that they could never talk to anyone else about, but they had also found happiness and comfort in those moments they could be themselves.

He didn't believe in love at first sight, not like in the books, but how could explain the feeling he had when he first saw Alec? How could it not be love? Innocent, yes, but he had loved Alec enough to risk so much just to be with him.

And now he could touch Alec. Hold him. Kiss him. Show him how deeply he'd touched his life and how much he wanted to give that back to him. Pushing up onto his knees and kissing Alec like he was the air he needed to breathe.

This was what he'd been waiting for. Maybe if they hadn't been separated for years he would have realized it sooner or maybe it would have made things worse for them both. At least now they were both old enough to understand what they wanted, who they wanted without being afraid of taking a chance.

His breath hitched as Sebastian's fingers brushed through his hair and a strange shock went through him. How long had it been since he'd let anyone touch him? How long had it been since he'd allowed it without being on guard constantly that he'd give away some emotion he thought he shouldn't feel?

Since the day that he'd said good bye to Sebastian.

There was nothing wrong with this or how he felt about his friend. Sebastian was the person who had helped him find a vital part of himself and now he was helping him find another part of his heart that he hadn't realized was lost. Or, more correctly, given to the boy he'd met at the symphony.

A boy that shared his love of music and understood his need to protect his family. The one who had shown him the best spots to listen to concerts and who had shared his painful secrets. How could he not want Sebastian closer? How could he resist touching and tasting the person who had meant so much to him from the day that they'd first met?

Whimpering softly into the kiss, his hands curled around Sebastian's hips and he pulled him closer so he was on top of him. It was probably too forward, pressing the two of them together so that there was almost no space between them but he couldn't think. He needed as much contact as possible, holding on to Sebastian as if he was afraid that if he let go, his friend would disappear.

Closer was good. Closer meant feeling more of Alec. Closer meant kissing him with his entire existence, intensely focused on fitting himself against Alec, holding him with passion and gentleness. As if Alec were the most precious thing he'd ever touched or held or kissed.

It felt as if he'd been holding back some part of himself he hadn't known he needed until the moment when Alec had kissed him and then suddenly everything made sense. Alec's lips, his touch, his warmth, the way he held him and made a sound that made Sebastian want to hear it again.

He pulled back just far enough to look into Alec's eyes, pulling his bottom lip between his own and sliding his hands against his cheeks. His eyes bright with emotion and an ache that urged him close again, kissing Alec's lips and cheek and jaw, moving his hands down to caress Alec's neck and shoulder. Fingers dipping under his collar and sleeve to brush against skin.

So many years he had missed Alec, longed to be with his friend again, and now being near him wasn't enough.

"I've missed you so very much." He could feel how warm his own breath was against Alec's neck.

For a few moments, all Alec could do was react, returning the kiss in a daze even as he tried to show Sebastian how much he wanted this. He'd never imagined anyone wanting him like this. He was the protector, the one that was gentle and careful. He'd never thought anyone would treat him like he was special, like he was some vital part of Sebastian that had just been found. Even if that was what it felt like for Alec.

Tentatively, his hands moved along Sebastian's sides and along his back. A part of him was certain that if he dared too much, Sebastian would vanish like a daydream. But fantasies weren't warm and solid, fitting against his body like they were meant to be together. They didn't kiss like Alec was as vital as air. They didn't taste like hints of tea and something he knew he'd get addicted to if Sebastian let him kiss him again.

Heart stuttering as he met Sebastian's eyes, he shivered at the hint of teeth against his lip. As he tried to return those kisses, his fingers slipped beneath Sebastian's shirt, tracing patterns lightly against his skin. He'd almost lost this. If he hadn't been at the symphony...

"I -" The rest turned into a low moan and his eyes slid closed as he arched up against Sebastian. Alec tried to remember what he was going to say but instead he tipped his head back, hoping that Sebastian would realize how sensitive that spot was. "I - missed you - every - every day." That was probably the right answer but at least it sounded mostly coherent.

An invitation Sebastian couldn't ignore. Alec's neck exposed and Sebastian parted his lips with an enthusiasm he hadn't felt this intensely. The way Alec responded to his touch and his kisses, the way his words stuttered and his hands found bare skin.

When he'd decided to go to the symphony he hadn't really believed he'd find Alec there. He had hoped. He had hoped so deeply it would be that easy. He had hoped Alec hadn't forgotten his love for music and would still visit. Finding Alec, having him this close after being apart for so long, was so much more than he had hoped for. And it seemed it was the same for Alec.

Alecs touches encouraged him to do the same and instead of teasing the edge of Alec's shirt he pulled it up and shoved his hands beneath the fabric while marking his neck.

He couldn't hold back a moan when Sebatsian's lips found his neck. The spot had never been that sensitive. Alec wouldn't have placed a rune there if it was. It had to be Sebastian that made that spot tingle and heat slide long his spine.

He'd imagined this before the letters had stopped, when he read Sebastian's words over and over and wondered about his best friend. Innocent and not so innocent curiosity as Alec realized that he wasn't 'normal'. A part of his heart had dimmed when his best friend disappeared and another began to star in those fantasies. But as he gasped and arched, trying to get more contact, he realized he'd never given up hope.

His trips to the symphony had saved his sanity when responsibility tried to crush him but each time he crept to their favorite spot, Alec had wished for Sebastian to be waiting for him. This time he had and Alec had been given those fantasies along with the friend he'd missed so much.

Biting his lip as Sebastian marked his neck, his hands slid down to cup Sebastian's ass. They were probably going too fast. It'd only been a few hours, maybe not even that, since they'd met at the symphony. But Alec couldn't stop himself from rocking his hips, grinding against Sebastian while trying not to make too many embarrassing sounds.

"Alec." Sebastian gasped, pulling back from the nice mark he'd left and rocking into the motion. Back into Alec's hands and forward to get more friction. Heat radiated everywhere and had the vague thought that if they were both naked they could feel each other's body heat as well as the cool sheets. But then his mouth was pressed against Alec's and the only thought he could manage was how happy he was to be kissing him again, but that didn't stop his hands from pushing Alec's shirt higher.

He knew what he wanted, what he needed, and he was hoping Alec would want the same thing. It didn't matter how long they had been apart or how short a time they had been together again. If Alec wanted this, wanted him, he would give him both and so much more.

"Alec." This time he said Alec's name with so much longing and affection, barely a breath between their lips and slowly rocking his hips against Alec's because it felt too good to stop. "I don't want to stop...but if you do..." He had to be sure Alec really wanted this with him.

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet_cellist)

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