angelic_archer | AU: One Decision Can Change Everything (for wayfaring

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AU: One Decision Can Change Everything (for wayfaring_stranger)

Alec hadn't expected to survive. When he'd stepped in front of the demon to save Jace, he'd known that he wouldn't escape those razor sharp claws. But it didn't matter. He'd always protected Izzy and Jace. He'd always wanted to be the one who fought beside Jace, to have someone believe he was capable and strong. Now he'd proven it by saving the life of someone he loved.

The thought was a distant comfort as pain exploded along his chest, poison burning through his veins even as Jace knelt beside him trying to heal the wounds. He could barely breath but somehow he managed to ask if now he was good enough to be Jace's parabatai.

After that everything was a blur of pain, blood, and fever. He remembered being in the back of the van, trying to focus on golden eyes. Izzy's hand brushed at his hair and he tried to keep from scaring her but then he couldn't breathe, choking until he thought that would be what killed him. He'd tried to reach for Jace's hand but he never knew if he managed to find it. Jace carrying him inside.

Then pain blurred everything into what he thought was hallucinations. A blue skinned woman with gentle hands. When he woke, finally aware of his surroundings, Jace was still missing and Catarina had pronounced that the danger had passed. She even said he could stay in his own room instead of the Infirmary. There had also been an unsubtle hint that he needed to shower.

With Izzy's help, Alec managed to get to his room. He checked his phone, trying not to worry when there was no message from Jace, then hobbled to the bathroom. Catarina was right. He needed to bathe. Maybe when he had gotten cleaned up, there'd be some news from Jace or Clary.

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Losing the Mortal Cup and Valentine had felt like a horrible failure. He was suppose to be one the best of his age. He was fast, strong, smart, talented in all the ways that mattered to a Shadowhunter. Finding himself with his father and hearing truths and lies and having to make a choice to kill the memory of a man he had once loved and feared had been nothing compared to the moment when he realized Alec was dying.

He had tried to get back to the Institute, but everything had spiraled out of his control and then Valentine had escaped with the cup and he had wanted to kill him. He'd wanted to kill his own father the moment Valentine had admitted he was the one who had sent the demon. The one that had killed Alec.

No!

Clary had followed him back to the Institute, unable to understand why it had been so important he return after everything they had learned, after having finally rescuing her mother. He couldn't even look at her properly and why should he when this was partly her fault. When she hadn't even seem to care that Alec had been dying in Jace's arms the entire trip back to the Institute. And then he'd woken up so far away from Alec not knowing if anyone had sent for the Silent Brothers. Hodge had betrayed them and Izzy and Alec had been left alone and all Clary could think about was her stupid feelings.

Jace ran up the hallway, burst through the doors to find the last place he'd seen Alec empty and quiet. It was exactly like the moment when he realized Alec had saved his life and was hurt. When he'd held Alec's face between his hands, touched his face. And he remembered the day he'd told Alec he didn't want to be his parabatai. Alec's face. His expression.

And now he was gone.

"Alec! Izzy!"

He shouted their names and turned to rush off again in search of someone who could tell him what had happened. Clary yelling his name and chasing after him.

Showering turned out to be a challenge. Alec was still weak from a night of pain and healing, exhausted down to his aching bones. It took an embarrassing amount of time to shuffle to the bathroom. Most of his clothes had been cut off so that Catarina could work on his injuries and Izzy had set out everything he needed to help him. She'd even found him a pair of crutches to use before promising to keep an eye out for Jace.

As he hobbled into the shower, using the wall to help stand since one leg couldn't really support his weight properly, he tried not to think about the night before. It still flashed through his mind in odd moments. The demon. The look on Jace's face when he'd asked that question.

He'd never seen Jace look so stricken. Alec had been hurt before. A Shadowhunter couldn't hunt demons and never be injured. Jace had never looked frightened. Jace never allowed anyone to see that he was scared. But his expression when Alec had asked about being parabatai had been a look of loss and fear.

It hadn't been what Alec had really wanted to say but it was close. Jace's feelings for Clary were obvious so saying anything about his own feelings would have been pointless. Even while dying Alec knew better than to make that particular confession. Heartbreak on top of poisoning probably would have killed him.

Finally managing to scrub himself clean, he limped out of the shower and dried off as best he could before brushing his teeth. At least physically he felt better. Clean of the poison and the reminders of death. Mentally... Shoving his wet hair out of his eyes, he tried not to think of all the things that could go wrong. That Jace was Angels knew where, maybe needing Izzy or Alec beside him...

Shaking off the thought, he moved awkwardly from the bathroom toward his bedroom, hoping Izzy would be there to tell him that Jace was safe.

Edited 2015-11-18 14:21 (UTC)

"I don't want you here! You're rash and thoughtless and you mess everything up. You're not careful. You always just race ahead without thinking. You say and do whatever you want and you don't care that Alec is dead because of you!"

Jace had never been so angry with anyone before and he hadn't imagined he would be saying anything like this to anyone. Not anyone he cared about. But Clary wasn't that person and it had taken losing Alec to see that for himself now. He wanted her gone. He didn't want to listen to her try to explain herself to him. What had happened had been her fault. Alec never would have gotten hurt if they hadn't been following him and he wouldn't have been following her if he had known how selfish she could really be.

"Alec was dying and all you could think about was me and yourself. You don't even know me, Clary. If you did you would have known how important Alec is to me. You would have known how important this family is to me. Even Simon is more important to me right now than you will ever be."

He couldn't stop himself. Clary had followed him to Alec's room, arguing with him, trying to get him to talk to her, pay attention to her. He'd stayed silent the entire way, too terrified by his worst fear to speak. Too angry. Alec wasn't anywhere and he couldn't find Izzy. Even Alec's room was empty. His worst fear realized. He couldn't find anyone because there was no one to find. Izzy was alone and he had to find her.

But first he wanted to hurt Clary, make her feel even the smallest bit of the pain he was feeling right then. Alec was gone and his last words were all Jace could think about.

And the burning hatred he had for Clary.

"You have no right to be here. This is Alec's room."

If the fury in his eyes and the grip on her arms wasn't warning enough then she was more foolish than he had ever realized.

"Get. Out."

It took awhile for Alec to limp back to his room. The Institute was strangely quiet but that was something he was used to. There were too few Shadowhunters in New York for the Institute to ever be full of noise. But now it was eerie. Or it felt like that after everything that had happened.

He half expected Izzy to show up and start fussing over him but she'd spent the night outside the Infirmary, waiting to see what would happen to him. She was probably exhausted and was sleeping off a night of worry. Hopefully she was sleeping instead of trying to make him breakfast. He doubted that he could handle her attempts at cooking when he still felt slightly nauseous after all the potions that Catarina had poured down his throat to counteract the poison.

Noticing that the door to his room was partially open, he paused outside when he heard voices. When he recognized Jace's voice, he almost spoke but he didn't recognize the tone. He'd never heard Jace have that anger and hate in his voice. Not even when talking about the men who had killed his father.

Clary said something that he couldn't quite hear but whatever it had been seemed to set Jace off. Pushing the door open with one of his crutches, he stared when he realized that the pair was arguing. More than arguing from the way that he was holding her. That wasn't how he expected his friend to treat the girl he was in love with. What had happened while he'd been at the Institute?

Clearing his throat, he tried to speak but his voice was ragged from everything that had happened the night before. "Jace?" he rasped, wincing at how rough his voice sounded. "Why are you two in my room?"

Clary and Jace both turned to look at Alec. Clary's face was a mixture of surprise and angry tears. But Jace felt as if someone had knocked the air from his lungs. It was as if he were living that moment all over again. The moment he realized Alec was seriously injured. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

He released Clary, jerking his hands away as if she'd burned him, his eyes still on Alec. Searching for some sign that he was real, that he had been injured, that he wasn't dead.

"Jace!" Clary called his name and he barely heard her voice over the thrum of blood pounding in his hears. He moved away from her and went straight for Alec. Hands as gentle as when he'd touched him before.

And then he was kissing Alec.

There was nothing else he could do. Alec had been gone and he'd felt the pain of that loss so deeply. He hadn't believed he could feel so strongly about anyone. When Clary had come along and for a short time he had been in awe of her and the feelings she stirred in him. But now he knew without a doubt where his heart belonged. Without Alec he had no heart. No love of anything. He'd been lying to himself for so long, refusing to let go, refusing to give in. It was the reason he had said no to being Alec's parabatai. He hadn't wanted to let go of what he had started to feel for his friend. But then he never could find a way to know if his feelings were true.

Not until Alec was taken from him.

Looking from Jace to Clary, he wondered what was going on. Had something happened while they had been away from the Institute? Or were they about to make out? With those two it was difficult to tell if they were angry or it was some expression of the suicidal 'love' they seemed to feel for each other.

Please don't make out in my room. Alec didn't think he could handle that. He'd pack up his clothes and move to another room permanently if they started getting intimate.

Flushing slightly when he realized that they both were staring at him. Suddenly he was too aware of his surroundings. Cold air against his skin since it'd hurt too much to try to put on a shirt. The twinge of pain from where the claw marks had been as he balanced on his crutches. Jace staring at him like he expected Alec to vanish while Clary looked at Jace in confusion.

He almost backed away even if they were invading his privacy. Clary had been crying and part of him was afraid that if he said anything more, she'd do something else to try to take Jace from them.

The sound of Clary's voice caused him to shift backwards, ready to bolt from the room when Jace came toward him. His eyes darkened with confusion as his friend cupped his face the way he had when Alec had been hurt.

Clary said something but Alec couldn't understand what because Jace was kissing him. Years of unrequited feelings held him frozen for a few seconds, not quite believing that his closest friend was kissing him. Jace as kissing him in front of his girlfriend.

Maybe hallucinations were an aftereffect of being healed from a Greater Demon's poison. That made more sense than Jace somehow deciding he had feelings for Alec and needed to kiss him now.

Except everything felt real. The warmth of Jace's fingers against his face. The bright gold of his friend's eyes and the exhaustion that lingered subtly in his features.

Real. This had to be real. Alec wouldn't have imagined Jace looking so worn down. Or Clary watching them as Jace pressed his lips against his. He wobbled for a moment before letting go of the crutches to hold onto Jace. He wouldn't fall. Not with Jace there. He would keep him steady just like he had in the past.

He almost forgot everything. The snarking and bickering. The fighting between the two of them since Clary invaded their group. The stupid, reckless things Jace had done...

Until Clary made an outraged noise that caused Alec to jerk away, almost stumbling until his arms tightened around Jace. "If you did that to make her jealous..."

Alec had barely spoken and Jace was pulling, holding on, clinging, kissing. Affirmation that Alec was a live. Alec was alive and here and he had been so stupid, so very stupid not to have done this before.

He had barely taken a breath, lips brushing against Alec's as he spoke. "I lost you." He touched Alec's face again, fingertips feather light this time, and opened his eyes to search Alec's. "I thought you were dead."

"If this is because of what happened with Valentine...."

"I told you to get out." Jace turned, his gaze on Clary and there was nothing of the emotion he had shown Alec left for her. "You make everything about you. This has nothing to do with you. It never did. Get out."

Edited 2015-11-19 03:11 (UTC)

He was probably leaning too much on Jace but if he didn't, he'd probably fall over. Even without the injured leg, he doubted he could have stood without help. Jace had kissed him. He was acting like he couldn't quite believe that Alec was real while Alec couldn't quite believe that this was really happening.

After seeing Jace date so many random girls and then seeming to fall completely for Clary, it seemed impossible that he'd kiss Alec.

"You didn't lose me. I was still here even when you..." Alec wasn't sure what had happened. He'd thought that Jace would stay near his bedside. It hadn't been until later that he realized Jace wasn't in the Institute. "Left?" Despite knowing how close he'd come to dying, Alec rolled his eyes at his friend. "Jace, I was alive when you carried me into the Infirmary."

Looking over Jace's shoulder, he glared at the redhead who should not be in his room. "I don't know what happened with Valentine but I know even Mundanes have better manners than to go into someone's room uninvited. Leave before we throw you out."

Clary glared at Alec. But the moment she looked at Jace she started to cry. "You're wrong. I do know you. You're just like Valentine." And then she was storming out of Alec's room, slamming his door with every bit of strength she had.

Jace was just glad to see her go. Her words barely reaching him. He was looking at Alec again. "You were alive. You were also dying. And then Valentine...I didn't know if Hodge had sent for the Silent Brothers or what was happening to you. When I woke up..."

A lot had happened while Alec was dying.

"I came back and you were gone, I thought..." He took a quick breath and then remembered that moment when he had held Alec before. "You didn't have to risk your life to prove to me anything, Alec!"

Alec began to speak but realized that Clary was leaving. If he said anything it would encourage her to try to twist things around even worse. Wincing when she slammed the door, he gave Jace an amused look. "I think she's mad at you."

Unfortunately, she'd probably be back. Probably with her Mundane friend, ready to throw accusations at all of them. And people said Nephilim were arrogant. Clary took it to a whole new level of elitism. The thought was exhausting.

Sighing softly, he gave Jace a nervous smile. He'd chosen Alec, not Clary. He wasn't going to run off to soothe her ruffled feelings. "What did Valentine do? Izzy didn't know where you went. Hodge sent for a warlock to heal me and then he left somehow." He wasn't supposed to be able to leave. He'd always told them that he was trapped within the Institute.

"Everyone thought I'd rest better here and I needed to shower." There was no reason to tell Jace why. He knew how bad the wounds had been and could guess what state he'd been in after Catarina healed him. "I didn't do it to prove myself. I risked my life to save yours."

"You nearly died!"

It was a fear that had ran through him like jagged ice, cutting him so deeply, that even now, with Alec standing right in front of him, he couldn't hide. He couldn't pretend. Shouting at Alec wasn't like shouting at Clary. With Clary he had been so angry. Alec simply didn't understand.

Alec had thought he wasn't good enough and he couldn't risk this happening again. He couldn't risk Alec nearly dying without knowing. Without understanding.

"You've always been good enough, Alec. But I didn't want you to be my parabatai. Being bonded, taking the oath, would mean...not ever getting to do this."

This time, when he kissed Alec, he braced his hand against the back of Alec's neck and held him there with him. He wouldn't let anything pull Alec away from him, not even Alec. Not until he had kissed him properly. The way he had imagined doing for so long.

"We nearly die all the time, Jace." It was something they'd accepted as children. Something Jace probably had accepted at a younger age than Alec had. "How do you think I felt every time you ran off because you wanted to go on some crazy hunt?"

There was no heat in his voice, none of his usual anger. It was an old argument that was nearly routine for them except Jace had never told him why he'd said no when Alec asked to be his parabatai.

It took a few seconds for his thoughts to catch up with what Jace had said then they scattered completely when Jace kissed him again. Making a sound that Jace would probably tease him about later, he felt like the world was slipping away. Nothing made sense but Alec didn't care.

Jace hadn't thought he was less. He'd... he'd been in love with Alec. That was the only reason why Jace would refuse the bond if Alec really was good enough.

Lightly biting Jace's lower lip, he let out a shuddering breath, trying to ignore how his heart was racing and how unsteady he felt. "You should've told me."

"I wasn't certain." It was the truth, as selfish as it may be. He wanted to be certain if he were going to risk everything. But there was more to it than simply being certain for himself or for Alec. He'd been scared of his feelings for Alec.

The moment he'd spoken he was chasing after Alec's lips again, returning the bite and wrapping his arm around Alec's back, holding him close. He was dizzy with relief and the heat under his skin. Holding Alec steady as much as he was holding himself steady.

"I'm certain now that I made the right decision. I wanted to know. I wanted the chance to know. And then you had died and that chance was gone. I had wasted my time with you testing my own emotions, thinking Clary had changed everything."

"Then why did you..." Wait, he probably didn't want the answer to that. It probably would be brutal and depressing. It might involve Clary and he really didn't want to think about what Jace had been doing with the redhead.

He whimpered when Jace kissed him again, knees feeling weak. If Jace wasn't holding him, he'd probably be on the floor. He was probably resting too much of his wait on his friend but he couldn't pull away. And Jace wouldn't let them fall or let Alec hurt himself even by accident. "Feels like this should be a hallucination."

But a fantasy wouldn't be so confusing. Everything would be simple. Jace would want him in the ways Alec had hoped for instead of Alec having to figure out what exactly Jace had been thinking of.

"Wanted to know what?" It didn't make sense. Jace might do reckless things but he thought things through. It might not be in the same way Alec did but Jace didn't blindly jump into things. Or he hadn't until Clary showed up. "Why did you think she changed everything?" And if she had, why was Jace with him instead of her?

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AU: One Decision Can Change Everything (for wayfaring_stranger)

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