Though Magnus had never been close to anyone the way parabatai were close with each other, he suspected that the relationship between Alec and Jace wasn't unusual. Shadowhunters, at least those not living in Idris, were often isolated from the majority of people around them; it made sense that parabatai would become incredibly attached to each other. And training during adolescence, fighting together in battle, had to strengthen an already inseparable pair. Magnus would never go so far as to say that all parabatai fell in love, but then again, not all love was romantic or erotic.
Smiling and turning into Alec's touch, he kissed the tips of his fingers. "The Nephilim like to outlaw anything that may threaten traditions. No one thinks about whether or not those traditions should be questioned no matter how many centuries pass." And they expected everyone to follow those traditions simply because they were the Law, passed down by the Angel even though Raziel didn't seem to care much about the affairs of his so-called children.
His smile faded, stomach filling with the same coiling ache that came any time he and Alec discussed the past only to find glaring differences. Before he had the chance to argue that Jace was definitely not a Herondale, he froze at the mention of a name he hadn't heard in a century. "How do you know about Will?" he asked, voice quiet and more controlled than his emotions beneath the surface. He looked down at Alec's hand, watched the chain wrap around his finger, and felt something tighten around his heart. "Camille told you, didn't she?" he asked, only to confirm what was the only possible explanation in his mind.
For a few moments, Alec was quiet, considering everything he'd covertly learned about parabatai when he was younger. Agreeing to the bond with Jace hadn't been something he'd done lightly. He'd known what it meant if he said yes. The love he'd felt as a lonely teenager would never be returned the way that a younger, more isolated Alec had hoped for. Even knowing that Jace would never love him like that hadn't made the decision easier. He could still have been punished if anyone realized the love he had felt wasn't brotherly.
While making that decision, he'd read every reference related to parabatai that he could find. He looked for any hint of why the Law forbid such relationships. Although most of the parabatai he read about had tragic ends, so did most Shadowhunters. There were times when he thought the only reason why it was forbidden was because most pairs were the same sex. "How can they say we're superior if we marry Downworlders and Mundanes?" The words were accompanied by an eye roll that proved his opinion of those particular Laws.
Looking up from the necklace that was lace between his fingers, Alec tried to understand the sudden change in Magnus' demeanor. Was he still angry over Camille? Magnus had forgiven him weeks ago and then after their time in Wayward Pines, Alec had been certain that their relationship was stronger now. "I overheard the two of you. She said things meant to drive us apart. About how I was another pretty boy who looked just like Will, but we worked it out." Letting the chain slide free, he cupped the back of Magnus' neck, rubbing lightly with his thumb. "Later, you told me about Will and Jem and Tessa."
Though Magnus had been dealing with discrimination from Shadowhunters from the moment he learned about the Downworld, it still made his stomach tighten with discomfort. The Shadowhunters' attitude towards Mundanes was difficult enough to reconcile; after centuries, he still couldn't come to terms with the fact that an entire society was so stuck in its ways as to preach superiority to those they were sworn to protect. Their opinions of Downworlders was even worse, especially considering that plenty of vampires and werewolves, not to mention all warlocks, had no choice when they were saddled with demon blood. "It is rather ironic, considering your mission to help others." He could almost—just very barely—understand Valentine's reasoning for wanting to lift that burden from the Nephilim so they could truly be the superior race.
"Of course she did," Magnus replied flippantly, rolling his eyes. Camille had been undead for so long that she had completely lost touch with her humanity, reduced to simple and often cruel pleasures. Manipulating people to follow her own script was just one way she entertained herself. "She confused love with possession. She couldn't stand the thought of losing me to someone who would actually make me feel worthy of something," he said, voice harsh though his eyes were soft as he looked up at Alec with a wane smile.
Sighing, leaning into Alec's touch, he closed his eyes. "I feel like half of my life is missing, Alexander," he muttered, voicing a concern that wasn't new. It was difficult to deny now that Alec remembered so much, and yet Magnus was still left in the dark. There were also memories that were jumbled up, different in key ways though the other details remained the same. "This is why they didn't want us talking about our pasts," he thought aloud as he contemplated the unforeseen effects Wayward Pines had left on him.
"A mission that the Clave has forgotten because of their fear and prejudice." It was something he wouldn't have dared to say before, but before they'd ended up in Wayward Pines, he'd mostly given up his hopes for changing things by working through the Clave. They would never listen to an eighteen year old gay man. They were afraid of what was different, the way their culture was changing, and Alec represented all the things they feared. "But it's still my mission, or was, before we came here. I was helping the Downworld."
It was something that Alec had never thought he'd have a chance to do or that he'd be good at but somehow he had started to grow into his new role in the Downworld. "We still can do good, Magnus. Even if we're not there."
Smiling at Magnus' reaction, Alec because to relax, letting go of his earlier doubts. "You are worthy of something. You deserve to be loved by someone who doesn't want to possess you." Thinking of what he'd done at the expo and lounge, he flushed slightly. "Uh, we didn't... What I said about us belong to each other. It wasn't like what she wanted. I'd never treat you like that, Magnus. Being possessive during our fantasies doesn't mean that I'll ever be like her."
Wishing that they could ignore the problem with their mismatched memories, he knew that it'd drive Magnus crazy if they didn't find an answer soon. Although it bothered Alec, he knew that pushing Magnus about the past would only result in his husband lashing out at him.
There was also a part of him that didn't want Magnus to remember Alec's mistakes. What if Magnus remembered everything and decided he didn't want to be with him anymore? But Magnus wouldn't be happy without his memories, both the good and the bad. He'd have to have faith that the happiness they'd shared would outweigh the hurt that Alec had caused. "Yeah it is." Leaning in, he stole a kiss, telling himself that what he was doing was right even if it might hurt later. "If you want to find a way to fix our memories, I'll agree to it. I know you need to get those missing pieces back."
Magnus' expression softened as he thought about how Alec had changed since they'd met. He'd grown from a rather typical young Shadowhunter focused on upholding the Clave's traditions and values, even at the cost of personal suffering, into a young man who upheld the Nephilim's mission in more honorable ways. Though Magnus was obviously biased, preferring to see his boyfriend defending warlocks and other Downworlders rather than condemning them, he was proud of him on an objective level as well. "You were, and you were magnificent at it." He still firmly believed that Alec was the best choice of Head of the New York Institute, mainly because he was a skilled tactician as well as a fair diplomat.
Drawing out of his thoughts as Alec spoke, Magnus smiled and held a finger up to his lips to silence his fumbling. "You could never be like her if you tried, darling, and for that I'm grateful. I like knowing you want me, only me, and the possessive flavor that brings to our relationship." Grinning, he leaned in to replace his finger with his lips for a tender kiss. "Besides, you rather enjoy showing me off instead of keeping me under lock and key, yes?"
Though Magnus had been considering it, to hear Alec suggest it aloud made him hesitate. There was a lot that could go wrong with memories as they were delicate pieces of the psyche; he didn't want to risk losing the memories he did have in order to remember those he had forgotten. "I'll have to think about it," he answered, smiling as he took Alec's hands and squeezed them tightly. "Thank you, Alexander. Just knowing that you'd support me in finding them means so much."
Flushing at the praise, he was awed that Magnus thought so much of his work with the Downworlders. He'd just started helping at their meetings and acting as their mediator between the different clans and the Institute. Alec had helped them deal with some situations that could have gotten dangerous without his intervention but he hadn't thought that it would be the reason for that kind of praise. "Thank you, Magnus. I liked it. I finally felt like I was doing what I was supposed to."
Even as he smiled against Magnus' finger, he couldn't help feeling slightly guilty about not wanting anyone else. Looking wasn't the same as wanting and Magnus knew about his old crush. It wasn't hurting Magnus, he hoped. "I like showing you off and having you show me off." That was still something he was getting used to. Alec didn't seem to think about it when they were being intimate together at the Expo and the lounge, but other times he still felt the old instinct to hide. "No one could keep you under lock and key, Magnus. You'd just snap your fingers and walk out."
That hadn't been the case before... Pushing away that fragment of a memory, he tried not to think of what would happen if Magnus did find a way for them to remember the past. The things that his mind kept refusing to focus on, the grief that caught him off guard at times, would be vivid and real again instead of safely wrapped in haze. "You're welcome." He wouldn't tell Magnus his fears. His husband deserved to have his memories back and Alec would deal with the consequences, making sure that Magnus didn't know if it did hurt. "You're welcome. We'll figure it out somehow.
"We need to figure out Jace too." Alec wasn't sure if Magnus was right about the infatuation. It seemed impossible back in New York. Jace had followed Clary around like she was his entire world but now... "I've never seen him like this before. Not even when they brought him to the Institute."
Smiling at Alec, wondering how he was so lucky to be married to this man, Magnus nodded like Alec had said the most obvious thing in the world. "You're a good leader, whether you think so or not. Jace may have charisma and Isabelle may have tenacity, but you have compassion. And the other two, if you ask me, but the three of you have very different leadership styles." Which was yet another reason he'd been drawn to the eldest Lightwood sibling rather than the younger ones.
"You are worthy of being shown to the world, and not just because you have a nice ass," he teased lightly, hoping Alec knew by now that Magnus loved him for so much more than how he looked while wearing tight leather pants. Smile softening, he kissed Alec once more. "Not all prisons are physical, my love, and cannot be escaped with spells." After all, Camille had held him under her power for far longer than Magnus should have allowed, or would at this point in time or ever again in the future.
Sensing that the topic of memories was unsettling Alec, Magnus reached for both of his hands and help them together in his lap. "It will take time to decide. I don't want you thinking that I don't trust you, or our relationship, just because some of the pieces are missing. But it's hard to know who I am when I can't remember all of it..." He sighed, looking down at their clasped hands and lifting one to kiss the ring adorning Alec's left hand. "And it would take time to perfect a spell. Here, we have the time." Alec was safe here, from his culture and society and all the dangers that came with his important job in life.
"Jace," he sighed, remembering the reason they were talking in the first place. "Yes, we need to figure out what's causing him to act so strangely other than your apparent death." Which obviously didn't happen, both because Alec was alive and Magnus remembered bringing him back. "Would you like to confront him, or see how it plays out for now? He's your parabatai, and I'll follow you're lead in this."
"I don't think I count as a leader." He'd never have the Institute, and he never had wanted it even if he was the eldest. He wasn't suited for that role and the Clave would never accept a nineteen year old who was dating a male warlock as the head of an Institute. "But I like fixing problems." That was a more important duty. Everyone was so caught up in discussions and arguments that they needed someone who would get to the heart of a problem and look for solutions. "It's okay that I'm different than them. There's nothing wrong with me." Which was something that Alec never thought he'd say until he'd started falling for Magnus.
Making a soft sound that wasn't quite meant as agreement, he kissed his husband, focusing on the more serious comment instead of the compliment. "That's why you have me, Magnus. I help you escape when spells won't work and when the prison is one that isn't easily escaped." Magnus had helped free him and for as long as Alec lived, he'd be beside Magnus to help with the mental 'prisons' that were so difficult to escape.
If Magnus hadn't kissed his hand, he probably would have kept his worries to himself, but Alec knew that hiding things had almost destroyed their relationship in the past. "What if you don't want me after you get your memories back?" he asked softly, not quite able to meet Magnus' eyes. He'd been angry at Alec, rightly so, and Catarina had helped Magnus decide to give him a second chance. Here there was no Catarina to plead his case or to help Magnus through that hurt. "I did something that hurt you. What if you don't want to forgive me when you remember it?"
Playing with one of Magnus' rings, he knew that the memories were something that he couldn't avoid. Eventually Magnus would find the spell and...
"He's skittish. It's like he's ready to panic any time I'm out of sight, and I have no idea how to get through to him. Patience worked after his father died but this is more than just grief." There was something else there that Alec didn't understand. "Even when I almost died, he wasn't this scared of losing me." Once Jace had known he was stable, he'd spent most of his time with Clary. Ignoring the twist of jealousy that caught in his chest, he swallowed hard, not thinking of how much that had hurt when he'd realized that Jace wasn't visiting him like he used to. "What have you noticed about him that's different?" It'd be better to know more about the odd behavior before deciding how to react to it.
Though it was strange to hear Alec think of himself that way, Magnus let it go in favor of more pressing matters and the positive changes that Alec saw in himself. "You're an excellent problem solver," he agreed, moving in closer so that he could press up against Alec's side. "I'm proud of you for seeing your differences as boons rather than banes," he said, a spark of mirth in his eyes at using his own last name.
Lifting a hand, he gently brushed Alec's hair back from his forehead while drinking in his strong features and beautiful face. "You've done so much for me," he said with surprising softness in his voice, heart clenching with a sudden and overwhelming wave of love for Alec. "You saved me, Alexander." In so many meanings of the term, but most importantly he had saved Magnus from a lonely life, petrified by the possibility of loss rather than living life to its true potential.
It's one reason the question took him by surprise, and he squeezed Alec's hands tightly while frowning at him in confusion. "Alexander," he said softly, moving a hand to tilt Alec's head up so he'd look at Magnus, "We're married, aren't we? And we're in love, to the point that it was the first thing I remembered while so much else stayed lost." Though it made his stomach clench to think that Alec had done something to the level of threatening their relationship, he couldn't imagine himself marrying a man who had irreversibly hurt him. "If I forgave you once, I'll forgive you again."
Taking both of Alec's hands again, he pulled them into his lap. "Let's focus on one thing at a time, darling. We can think about the memories when the time arises, but right now you're more worried about Jace." Or so he sensed, because even if Alec always spoke the words to Magnus, he also loved Jace. Frowning, he shook his head as Alec's confusion. "I keep telling you, he cares for you. He was hysteric when we thought you had... When we almost lost you." A memory which still pained him, to be so useless when part of Alec's soul had been lost and needed help finding its way back.
He sighed, a wry smile finding its way onto his face. "I don't know him as well as you," he prefaced, wondering if this way a bad idea, "But the way he looks at you is more... open," he finished, trying to collect his thoughts even as he voiced them.
Despite knowing that it was probably egotistical, Alec almost preened at the compliment. Most people didn't really value his insights. Magnus did, of course, but others tended to ignore him. Until he proved that his attention to details was an asset, not a boring trait that should be ignored. His siblings still rolled their eyes over it at times, but the Downworlder leaders seemed to think it was an advantage. He knew that Magnus valued most things about him, but the 'work' aspects of his life became routine, making the praise special, especially when he'd never thought anyone would think of him as a 'great' Shadowhunter. "But I prefer Banes," he teased, knowing that his husband had used the word intentionally.
Smiling softly, he leaned into the touch, humming softly as Magnus played with his hair. "We saved each other. I would have been miserable if we hadn't met." Technically, he would have died if Magnus hasn't intervened, but after that, if he hadn't said yes to the date, he would have slowly faded away. "You made me realize that I wanted this more than anything else. That I didn't have to hide who I am."
Which was one of the reasons he was so frightened of Magnus' reaction once they had all their memories again. He'd almost lost Magnus twice. He wasn't sure if he could survive it a third time. "We are, but I hurt you in the past." There was no point in denying it. Maybe if Magnus knew part of the truth, he'd be more accepting when he finally remembered what happened between them. "You almost didn't forgive me, but I think it was more than what I did. We both weren't ready to deal with the big issues." Magnus' past. Alec's mortality. How they could make their lives fit together when everyone assumed that it should be impossible. "But we have now." They wouldn't have gotten married if those issues still mattered. "I can deal with the memories, if I know you'll forgive me eventually."
Alec needed that reassurance even if he hated that he still had moments of doubting himself, doubting Mganus' feelings for him. He should be past that by now, but it was difficult to forget what had happened in the subway tunnel and what Magnus had said before disappearing into the darkness.
Giving his husband a weak smile, he nodded in agreement. "I am worried about him. He's different, but..." But it was a good different, which made him feel worse about how he'd ignored the signs that Jace was troubled. The problem was that the little things, the lack of furniture, the minimal clothes were the kinds of things that Jace had done back home. The emotional problems had been the obvious signs of problems, but if Jace refused help, there was nothing Alec could do except wait him out.
"I know he cares, Magnus. He's my parabatai, but he hasn't acted like he's cared this much in years." Looking down at their joined hands, he knew what he was about to say sounded childish. "I remember how scared he was, but afterward it was like I didn't exist because he had Clary." Maybe that was why Jace was so focused on him. Looking up, he tried to find the correct context for Magnus explanation. "Not knowing him as well gives you a new perspective, but I'm not sure what you mean about being more open when he looks at me."
"And I hope you still know that you never have to hide who you are or anything else from me," he replied, cupping his hand against Alec's cheek and gently stroking his thumb beneath his eye. It startled him to think how different they would both be without having met: Magnus an isolated and lonely warlock uninterested in the safety of others, Alec drowning himself in obligations and duty to the point of losing himself to his parents' expectations.
Tightening his hand slightly, fingers pressed into the skin behind Alec's ear, he pulled him close for a soft kiss. "In the past," he echoed, still convinced that a previous version of himself who had forgiven Alec couldn't be much different than the Magnus he was now, even if he couldn't remember the in-between. He couldn't make any promises about how he would react, but Alec's logic was sound. "Mortality," he mumbled, knowing it even without having it be said. It was something that still worried him when he thought about how much of his heart and soul would die along with Alec. But that wasn't something to add to the weight they were already bearing, so he locked it away for another time. "I can't imagine anything you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for but would still marry you after," he replied, lips quirked in a slight smirk even though he was being completely honest.
Mind returning to Jace, he nodded along while listening to Alec's observations. It was true that Jace had so often left Alec behind in favor of Clary, but it was possible that he was having a moment of clarity about his parabatai without any distractions around him. "Jace always looked at Clary like something unattainable," he said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts into one cohesive explanation. "She was something alien to him, and I think that's one reason he was so attached to her. But the way he looks at you is like home, something he knows and can rely on. Somewhere he wants to be, but suddenly he's unsure if he's allowed because of me," he concluded, thinking about Jace running from him at the masquerade.
For a moment, he couldn't stop himself from feeling guilty when Magnus mentioned not hiding things from him. That had been part of the reason why they'd broken up. If he'd told Magnus about Camille's offer as soon as he'd returned home... No, that was in the past. Second guessing himself wouldn't help now. "I know, but in the past I did. I was scared and forgot to think things through, but I won't do that again." He almost added that he'd promise not to do it, but he didn't want to risk breaking that vow. Not when they had finally worked things out.
Returning the kiss, he closed his eyes as he waited for Magnus' reaction to his confession. Or the start of his confession. He knew that it wasn't the right time. They needed to sit down and discuss the past without other distractions or worries about other members of their family. "Yes," he confirmed softly. "But we worked through it. We said we'd focus on the present and each day we were given together. We decided it was better to have now than worry about what would happen later." Alec hoped that Magnus still believed that now that that issue had been introduced again.
Swallowing hard, he realized Magnus wasn't angry. He wasn't going to accuse him of betraying him. Noticing the smirk, the pained tightening around his heart eased. Magnus would forgive him. "You did forgive me. It took time, but you did. If you want me to tell you later, I will." But not tonight. Alec doubted that either one of them was ready to deal with that yet.
Waiting for his husband to work through his thoughts, he smiled as he realized that Magnus put into words what Alec had thought but had been unable to express. "Yes, that's how things were with them." Even the idea of being home to Jace made sense. It was one reason why Jace had asked him to be his parabatai, even if he'd never admit that to Alec.
Slowly considering the different potential meanings of Magnus' words, he wasn't quite sure what to say when he finally began to consider something he'd thought was impossible. He still thought it was impossible and would until there was an obvious sign of what Magnus was implying. "Magnus, is he allowed now?" he asked slowly, not sure of how to discuss this with his husband. "I don't want you thinking that I'd... but we've been there for each other since we were kids. I don't want to push him away unless it's what's best for us." And even then, Alec wasn't sure if he could.
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angelic_archer) wrote2017-07-20 10:48 am
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Smiling and turning into Alec's touch, he kissed the tips of his fingers. "The Nephilim like to outlaw anything that may threaten traditions. No one thinks about whether or not those traditions should be questioned no matter how many centuries pass." And they expected everyone to follow those traditions simply because they were the Law, passed down by the Angel even though Raziel didn't seem to care much about the affairs of his so-called children.
His smile faded, stomach filling with the same coiling ache that came any time he and Alec discussed the past only to find glaring differences. Before he had the chance to argue that Jace was definitely not a Herondale, he froze at the mention of a name he hadn't heard in a century. "How do you know about Will?" he asked, voice quiet and more controlled than his emotions beneath the surface. He looked down at Alec's hand, watched the chain wrap around his finger, and felt something tighten around his heart. "Camille told you, didn't she?" he asked, only to confirm what was the only possible explanation in his mind.
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While making that decision, he'd read every reference related to parabatai that he could find. He looked for any hint of why the Law forbid such relationships. Although most of the parabatai he read about had tragic ends, so did most Shadowhunters. There were times when he thought the only reason why it was forbidden was because most pairs were the same sex. "How can they say we're superior if we marry Downworlders and Mundanes?" The words were accompanied by an eye roll that proved his opinion of those particular Laws.
Looking up from the necklace that was lace between his fingers, Alec tried to understand the sudden change in Magnus' demeanor. Was he still angry over Camille? Magnus had forgiven him weeks ago and then after their time in Wayward Pines, Alec had been certain that their relationship was stronger now. "I overheard the two of you. She said things meant to drive us apart. About how I was another pretty boy who looked just like Will, but we worked it out." Letting the chain slide free, he cupped the back of Magnus' neck, rubbing lightly with his thumb. "Later, you told me about Will and Jem and Tessa."
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"Of course she did," Magnus replied flippantly, rolling his eyes. Camille had been undead for so long that she had completely lost touch with her humanity, reduced to simple and often cruel pleasures. Manipulating people to follow her own script was just one way she entertained herself. "She confused love with possession. She couldn't stand the thought of losing me to someone who would actually make me feel worthy of something," he said, voice harsh though his eyes were soft as he looked up at Alec with a wane smile.
Sighing, leaning into Alec's touch, he closed his eyes. "I feel like half of my life is missing, Alexander," he muttered, voicing a concern that wasn't new. It was difficult to deny now that Alec remembered so much, and yet Magnus was still left in the dark. There were also memories that were jumbled up, different in key ways though the other details remained the same. "This is why they didn't want us talking about our pasts," he thought aloud as he contemplated the unforeseen effects Wayward Pines had left on him.
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It was something that Alec had never thought he'd have a chance to do or that he'd be good at but somehow he had started to grow into his new role in the Downworld. "We still can do good, Magnus. Even if we're not there."
Smiling at Magnus' reaction, Alec because to relax, letting go of his earlier doubts. "You are worthy of something. You deserve to be loved by someone who doesn't want to possess you." Thinking of what he'd done at the expo and lounge, he flushed slightly. "Uh, we didn't... What I said about us belong to each other. It wasn't like what she wanted. I'd never treat you like that, Magnus. Being possessive during our fantasies doesn't mean that I'll ever be like her."
Wishing that they could ignore the problem with their mismatched memories, he knew that it'd drive Magnus crazy if they didn't find an answer soon. Although it bothered Alec, he knew that pushing Magnus about the past would only result in his husband lashing out at him.
There was also a part of him that didn't want Magnus to remember Alec's mistakes. What if Magnus remembered everything and decided he didn't want to be with him anymore? But Magnus wouldn't be happy without his memories, both the good and the bad. He'd have to have faith that the happiness they'd shared would outweigh the hurt that Alec had caused. "Yeah it is." Leaning in, he stole a kiss, telling himself that what he was doing was right even if it might hurt later. "If you want to find a way to fix our memories, I'll agree to it. I know you need to get those missing pieces back."
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Drawing out of his thoughts as Alec spoke, Magnus smiled and held a finger up to his lips to silence his fumbling. "You could never be like her if you tried, darling, and for that I'm grateful. I like knowing you want me, only me, and the possessive flavor that brings to our relationship." Grinning, he leaned in to replace his finger with his lips for a tender kiss. "Besides, you rather enjoy showing me off instead of keeping me under lock and key, yes?"
Though Magnus had been considering it, to hear Alec suggest it aloud made him hesitate. There was a lot that could go wrong with memories as they were delicate pieces of the psyche; he didn't want to risk losing the memories he did have in order to remember those he had forgotten. "I'll have to think about it," he answered, smiling as he took Alec's hands and squeezed them tightly. "Thank you, Alexander. Just knowing that you'd support me in finding them means so much."
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Even as he smiled against Magnus' finger, he couldn't help feeling slightly guilty about not wanting anyone else. Looking wasn't the same as wanting and Magnus knew about his old crush. It wasn't hurting Magnus, he hoped. "I like showing you off and having you show me off." That was still something he was getting used to. Alec didn't seem to think about it when they were being intimate together at the Expo and the lounge, but other times he still felt the old instinct to hide. "No one could keep you under lock and key, Magnus. You'd just snap your fingers and walk out."
That hadn't been the case before... Pushing away that fragment of a memory, he tried not to think of what would happen if Magnus did find a way for them to remember the past. The things that his mind kept refusing to focus on, the grief that caught him off guard at times, would be vivid and real again instead of safely wrapped in haze. "You're welcome." He wouldn't tell Magnus his fears. His husband deserved to have his memories back and Alec would deal with the consequences, making sure that Magnus didn't know if it did hurt. "You're welcome. We'll figure it out somehow.
"We need to figure out Jace too." Alec wasn't sure if Magnus was right about the infatuation. It seemed impossible back in New York. Jace had followed Clary around like she was his entire world but now... "I've never seen him like this before. Not even when they brought him to the Institute."
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"You are worthy of being shown to the world, and not just because you have a nice ass," he teased lightly, hoping Alec knew by now that Magnus loved him for so much more than how he looked while wearing tight leather pants. Smile softening, he kissed Alec once more. "Not all prisons are physical, my love, and cannot be escaped with spells." After all, Camille had held him under her power for far longer than Magnus should have allowed, or would at this point in time or ever again in the future.
Sensing that the topic of memories was unsettling Alec, Magnus reached for both of his hands and help them together in his lap. "It will take time to decide. I don't want you thinking that I don't trust you, or our relationship, just because some of the pieces are missing. But it's hard to know who I am when I can't remember all of it..." He sighed, looking down at their clasped hands and lifting one to kiss the ring adorning Alec's left hand. "And it would take time to perfect a spell. Here, we have the time." Alec was safe here, from his culture and society and all the dangers that came with his important job in life.
"Jace," he sighed, remembering the reason they were talking in the first place. "Yes, we need to figure out what's causing him to act so strangely other than your apparent death." Which obviously didn't happen, both because Alec was alive and Magnus remembered bringing him back. "Would you like to confront him, or see how it plays out for now? He's your parabatai, and I'll follow you're lead in this."
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Making a soft sound that wasn't quite meant as agreement, he kissed his husband, focusing on the more serious comment instead of the compliment. "That's why you have me, Magnus. I help you escape when spells won't work and when the prison is one that isn't easily escaped." Magnus had helped free him and for as long as Alec lived, he'd be beside Magnus to help with the mental 'prisons' that were so difficult to escape.
If Magnus hadn't kissed his hand, he probably would have kept his worries to himself, but Alec knew that hiding things had almost destroyed their relationship in the past. "What if you don't want me after you get your memories back?" he asked softly, not quite able to meet Magnus' eyes. He'd been angry at Alec, rightly so, and Catarina had helped Magnus decide to give him a second chance. Here there was no Catarina to plead his case or to help Magnus through that hurt. "I did something that hurt you. What if you don't want to forgive me when you remember it?"
Playing with one of Magnus' rings, he knew that the memories were something that he couldn't avoid. Eventually Magnus would find the spell and...
"He's skittish. It's like he's ready to panic any time I'm out of sight, and I have no idea how to get through to him. Patience worked after his father died but this is more than just grief." There was something else there that Alec didn't understand. "Even when I almost died, he wasn't this scared of losing me." Once Jace had known he was stable, he'd spent most of his time with Clary. Ignoring the twist of jealousy that caught in his chest, he swallowed hard, not thinking of how much that had hurt when he'd realized that Jace wasn't visiting him like he used to. "What have you noticed about him that's different?" It'd be better to know more about the odd behavior before deciding how to react to it.
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Lifting a hand, he gently brushed Alec's hair back from his forehead while drinking in his strong features and beautiful face. "You've done so much for me," he said with surprising softness in his voice, heart clenching with a sudden and overwhelming wave of love for Alec. "You saved me, Alexander." In so many meanings of the term, but most importantly he had saved Magnus from a lonely life, petrified by the possibility of loss rather than living life to its true potential.
It's one reason the question took him by surprise, and he squeezed Alec's hands tightly while frowning at him in confusion. "Alexander," he said softly, moving a hand to tilt Alec's head up so he'd look at Magnus, "We're married, aren't we? And we're in love, to the point that it was the first thing I remembered while so much else stayed lost." Though it made his stomach clench to think that Alec had done something to the level of threatening their relationship, he couldn't imagine himself marrying a man who had irreversibly hurt him. "If I forgave you once, I'll forgive you again."
Taking both of Alec's hands again, he pulled them into his lap. "Let's focus on one thing at a time, darling. We can think about the memories when the time arises, but right now you're more worried about Jace." Or so he sensed, because even if Alec always spoke the words to Magnus, he also loved Jace. Frowning, he shook his head as Alec's confusion. "I keep telling you, he cares for you. He was hysteric when we thought you had... When we almost lost you." A memory which still pained him, to be so useless when part of Alec's soul had been lost and needed help finding its way back.
He sighed, a wry smile finding its way onto his face. "I don't know him as well as you," he prefaced, wondering if this way a bad idea, "But the way he looks at you is more... open," he finished, trying to collect his thoughts even as he voiced them.
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Smiling softly, he leaned into the touch, humming softly as Magnus played with his hair. "We saved each other. I would have been miserable if we hadn't met." Technically, he would have died if Magnus hasn't intervened, but after that, if he hadn't said yes to the date, he would have slowly faded away. "You made me realize that I wanted this more than anything else. That I didn't have to hide who I am."
Which was one of the reasons he was so frightened of Magnus' reaction once they had all their memories again. He'd almost lost Magnus twice. He wasn't sure if he could survive it a third time. "We are, but I hurt you in the past." There was no point in denying it. Maybe if Magnus knew part of the truth, he'd be more accepting when he finally remembered what happened between them. "You almost didn't forgive me, but I think it was more than what I did. We both weren't ready to deal with the big issues." Magnus' past. Alec's mortality. How they could make their lives fit together when everyone assumed that it should be impossible. "But we have now." They wouldn't have gotten married if those issues still mattered. "I can deal with the memories, if I know you'll forgive me eventually."
Alec needed that reassurance even if he hated that he still had moments of doubting himself, doubting Mganus' feelings for him. He should be past that by now, but it was difficult to forget what had happened in the subway tunnel and what Magnus had said before disappearing into the darkness.
Giving his husband a weak smile, he nodded in agreement. "I am worried about him. He's different, but..." But it was a good different, which made him feel worse about how he'd ignored the signs that Jace was troubled. The problem was that the little things, the lack of furniture, the minimal clothes were the kinds of things that Jace had done back home. The emotional problems had been the obvious signs of problems, but if Jace refused help, there was nothing Alec could do except wait him out.
"I know he cares, Magnus. He's my parabatai, but he hasn't acted like he's cared this much in years." Looking down at their joined hands, he knew what he was about to say sounded childish. "I remember how scared he was, but afterward it was like I didn't exist because he had Clary." Maybe that was why Jace was so focused on him. Looking up, he tried to find the correct context for Magnus explanation. "Not knowing him as well gives you a new perspective, but I'm not sure what you mean about being more open when he looks at me."
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Tightening his hand slightly, fingers pressed into the skin behind Alec's ear, he pulled him close for a soft kiss. "In the past," he echoed, still convinced that a previous version of himself who had forgiven Alec couldn't be much different than the Magnus he was now, even if he couldn't remember the in-between. He couldn't make any promises about how he would react, but Alec's logic was sound. "Mortality," he mumbled, knowing it even without having it be said. It was something that still worried him when he thought about how much of his heart and soul would die along with Alec. But that wasn't something to add to the weight they were already bearing, so he locked it away for another time. "I can't imagine anything you could do that I wouldn't forgive you for but would still marry you after," he replied, lips quirked in a slight smirk even though he was being completely honest.
Mind returning to Jace, he nodded along while listening to Alec's observations. It was true that Jace had so often left Alec behind in favor of Clary, but it was possible that he was having a moment of clarity about his parabatai without any distractions around him. "Jace always looked at Clary like something unattainable," he said slowly, trying to gather his thoughts into one cohesive explanation. "She was something alien to him, and I think that's one reason he was so attached to her. But the way he looks at you is like home, something he knows and can rely on. Somewhere he wants to be, but suddenly he's unsure if he's allowed because of me," he concluded, thinking about Jace running from him at the masquerade.
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Returning the kiss, he closed his eyes as he waited for Magnus' reaction to his confession. Or the start of his confession. He knew that it wasn't the right time. They needed to sit down and discuss the past without other distractions or worries about other members of their family. "Yes," he confirmed softly. "But we worked through it. We said we'd focus on the present and each day we were given together. We decided it was better to have now than worry about what would happen later." Alec hoped that Magnus still believed that now that that issue had been introduced again.
Swallowing hard, he realized Magnus wasn't angry. He wasn't going to accuse him of betraying him. Noticing the smirk, the pained tightening around his heart eased. Magnus would forgive him. "You did forgive me. It took time, but you did. If you want me to tell you later, I will." But not tonight. Alec doubted that either one of them was ready to deal with that yet.
Waiting for his husband to work through his thoughts, he smiled as he realized that Magnus put into words what Alec had thought but had been unable to express. "Yes, that's how things were with them." Even the idea of being home to Jace made sense. It was one reason why Jace had asked him to be his parabatai, even if he'd never admit that to Alec.
Slowly considering the different potential meanings of Magnus' words, he wasn't quite sure what to say when he finally began to consider something he'd thought was impossible. He still thought it was impossible and would until there was an obvious sign of what Magnus was implying. "Magnus, is he allowed now?" he asked slowly, not sure of how to discuss this with his husband. "I don't want you thinking that I'd... but we've been there for each other since we were kids. I don't want to push him away unless it's what's best for us." And even then, Alec wasn't sure if he could.