angelic_archer | Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet_cellist)

Alec had been sneaking into the concert hall for years. Since he was a little boy feeling lost in a family that ignored him unless it was to groom him into the ideal heir. He practiced and studied and part of him had longed for something he hadn't understood until he'd heard music from the symphony drifting through the air one night. Then Alec had finally understood what was missing. It'd been like finding a missing part of his heart and he'd soon started sneaking out at night to be able to hear them play. He eventually found every place in the city where he could sneak in and listen to the sweeping music without being noticed.

That was how he'd found Sebastian. A kind, mundane boy with the Sight who hadn't been afraid of a boy with marks all over his skin who wanted to listen to others play, wishing he could learn to make soul lifting music. But Shadowhunters weren't supposed to focus on trivial things like music. Sebastian had made him realize it wasn't bad to want those things he couldn't have. That others loved music just as much as Alec did. He finally didn't feel weird or like he was disappointing anyone.

They'd been best friends for years until Sebastian's family had moved away. They'd found a way to communicate, letters written that Alec carefully edited to make sure that Sebastian never found out about the Shadow World. Then the letters had stopped and Alec had retreated into quiet solitude, being the leader his family expected and his siblings needed. But sometimes...

Sometimes he had to sneak out, always finding his way to the place where he'd met Sebastian. There he could let go of all the expectations and be himself instead of the person his family needed. A few carefully placed runes kept anyone from noticing him as he crept to through the building to the walkways that Sebastian had shown him. The perfect place to listen without having anyone notice him. Sitting down in their favorite spot, Alec sighed, closing his eyes to focus on the music but he couldn't stop thinking about Sebastian and how much he missed him.

There were times when Alec worried that something terrible had happened to his friend and others that he was able to convince himself that Sebastian was just busy. Hopefully he was safe and had just forgotten about the 'invisible boy' he'd met while listening to the symphony. Maybe someday he'd remember and Alec would hear from him again.

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Sebastian spent the entire time at the shop, and the walk back to his apartment, smiling and trying to catch glimpses of Alec without him noticing. He was trying to figure out this new unexpected feeling that didn't seem to be going away, only getting stronger.

The food was warm compared to the chill of the wind, but not as warm as Alec's smile and his company. He looked good in the green, too. Conversation was light. He talked about things he'd written to Alec about, but didn't stray too close to things he knew he would have to say. He just didn't want to say them in an elevator or in public.

"I'm still decorating so there isn't much here. A bed. A table. A couch. Dishes."

Everything felt easy between them. There was no tension, no worries that Alec would have thought would happen after years of being separated. But it was like nothing had really kept them apart. They smiled and laughed the way they had as kids.

Except now Sebastian wasn't the shy boy from Alec's memories. He was bright and vibrant like he remembered, but he was also grown up. That particular difference had Alec sneaking glances at his friend, trying not to blush.

Food and tea gave him something to pretend to be interested in when he really only paid attention to Sebastian. He helped keep the conversation focused on light subjects, not wanting to discuss the things he used to talk to his best friend about yet. He wanted happy, light moments to counteract the darkness that had been taking over his life.

Smiling at his best friend, he squeezed Sebastian's hand. "That's all you really need. I like simple. Home is... overstated in some way. Like my parents need to prove who they are instead of making it comfortable." Hopefully Sebastian didn't have that kind of tastes and he'd accidentally offended him. "It's hard to relax there."

"I want you to be comfortable here." Sebastian looked up at Alec as he unlocked the door to his apartment and pushed it open. He moved aside and offered to let Alec go first. "You can help me decorate."

Because he wasn't planning to leave. Not when Alec was here. He couldn't imagine being anywhere else and a part of him regretted ever having left. It was a difficult feeling to have because he had loved Jack so very much. He didn't regret Jack. But Jack had been the only light in his life after Alec.

He hadn't been exaggerating about his apartment being sparse. Couch with pillows and throw blankets. Dining room table with sheets of music and notes. The kitchen was clean and most of the cupboards bare. The bedroom had the most. Bed, wardrobe, dresser, cello, stereo, desk, laptop. he clearly spent more time in his bedroom than anywhere else. It wasn't a large apartment, but it was comfortable and it was his own.

"You're welcome to come here anytime, Alec. Night or day." He wanted Alec to have space to be himself that didn't involve sneaking in. And they could see each other anytime. They wouldn't have to wait until the symphony.

"You really want my help?" For a moment, he stared at Sebastian, not quite believing that someone cared about his comfort. Jace and Izzy did in their own way but it was an abstract thing. He was Izzy's brother so he knew that she wanted him to be happy. Jace was his parabatai so they were two parts of one whole, but this was different. This was being thought of. Someone saying that they wanted him to be happy and wanting to make choices to ensure he was comfortable was new to him. "But it's your apartment."

There was an unspoken 'why' in his tone that hinted at how rare it was that people considered him and his wishes.

As they stepped inside, Alec told himself that he was going to make Sebastian uncomfortable if he kept acting like kindness was new to him. Even if in some ways it really was. He'd start thinking Alec was abused or being locked up against his will and he'd escaped to visit to listen to the symphony.

He smiled when he saw the music, wanting to ask questions but not sure which he should ask first. "Thank you. Are you sure about 'night or day'. I keep strange hours." Hours that most Mundanes wouldn't understand or would make them suspicious. He'd have to think of something to tell Sebastian even if he hated the idea of lying. "I like you apartment. It has what's important."

"It has my name on the mailbox, but I want it to be a place where you can be you, too." Sebastian wondered if maybe it was too much too soon. They hadn't seen each other in years. But they'd known each other before and Alec had known him better than anyone ever could.

"I've never lived alone before." And he hadn't realized how alone he'd been even surrounded by people. "I'm sure. Night or day." He didn't sleep well most of the time anyways. "It has most of what's important."

He blushed and headed for the kitchen before Alec could realize what he meant.

"I'd like it if you helped me add personal touches. You could even keep foods that you like here for when you stay. If it's too much...I know we haven't seen each other in so long this probably seems strange to offer...It's just..." He stopped pulling food out of the bags. "I've missed you, Alec."

His place too... That was... Sebastian couldn't be offering. They'd been friends for years but then Sebastian had stopped contacting him. Did he really want Alec to take that kind of place in his life after whatever happened?

Jace would offer the same thing but they were parabatai. They were inseparable in most ways. Everyone would think it was the norm not something unusual if Jace offered his home to Alec. Maybe Sebastian saw him like that? A friend that was so close that it was automatic to offer a place for them to think of as home. "I - uh - Thank you, Sebastian."

Alec hoped that Sebastian didn't see him like a parabatai. It's broken his heart when he'd realized Jace wouldn't ever notice him. There was a similar ache in his chest when he thought of Sebastian seeing him the same way. "If it's okay then I'll visit whenever I can."

The comment about what was important caused him to pause, looking around the apartment and then began to wonder what Sebastian had meant. "Someplace that's like a home?" That sounded sad but it was the only way that Alec could think of phrasing it. The Institute wasn't home and none of the places his family stayed were welcoming.

"It's not too much," he said, the words rushed as he realized Sebastian might change his mind. Maybe he wouldn't want Alec around at all hours. "I've missed you too. It is strange but I like strange." That didn't sound right but he kept going. "I kept wishing you'd come back and now you're here. I want to be able to come here whenever I want. If you're really okay with it."

It was a rush of emotions-or more like a tidal wave-that had Sebastian turning and going straight to Alec, hugging him again like he had at the symphony. He didn't want to lose all the happy feelings and smiles and familiar conversation. But they were safe now. In a safe place where no one could watch them or judge them.

"I'm really okay with you. You can have the spare key and you can leaves things here if you want." He took a deep breath and forced himself to release Alec. They had plenty of time now. And food. And time. Together. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. And I'm so very sorry I disappeared. There is so much to tell you and I don't know where to start or how to even...It's not good things, Alec."

Another breath in and out.

"I want to hear everything about you, too. Good and bad. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing with me. I know I don't deserve to ask after not hearing from me and I just showed up without even telling you I was coming."

He realized he'd said a lot in barely a few breaths and looked up at Alec sort of worried he'd said too much. The last thing he wanted was to overwhelm his friend.

As soon as Sebastian hugged him, Alec was clinging to his friend. Until now he hadn't realized how alone he felt. Even with a parabatai he still felt isolated. There was always walls separating them that neither of them knew how to get past. But Alec had never had that problem with Sebastian. There were things he couldn't tell a Mundane but he didn't have to hide his emotions from him.

"Then I'll stay whenever I can. And bring food so you're not always having to feed me." It might be difficult to hide some of the differences between Nephilim and Mundanes if Sebastian noticed his food going missing at an alarming rate.

Reluctantly, he let go of Sebastian but he stayed close, wanting him near even if they couldn't spend the night hugging in the middle of the kitchen. "There's nothing to be sorry about. I know it had to be something important that kept you from talking to me." Reaching out, he caught Sebastian's hand, lacing his fingers between his friends. "We don't have to talk about the bad things. Those can wait for another night." Alec wanted to know but he also wanted this night to be special. It was the first time they'd seen each other in years. "Tonight should be about being happy that we found each other again."

But if Sebastian really wanted to talk about it... "I mean, if you want to we can but you don't have to. I'll wait until you're ready to tell me what happened."

"I want to tell you." Sebastian was glad Alec held his hand. Maybe it should be strange to find himself so close to someone he hadn't seen in years, but it didn't feel strange. It felt right and good and he felt like an emptiness that had hollowed him out was being filled up again. "I feel not telling you everything that has happened is the same as lying to you. But I want tonight to just be like this."

He squeezed Alec's hand in his and smiled. All the bad could wait if Alec didn't mind waiting.

"Do you want to take the food into the bedroom and sit on the bed. I have a television in there and a stereo. We could listen to music or watch a movie or just talk or all of the above."

"It's not lying. Not if you intend on telling me." Alec knew that he wasn't patient but for Sebastian he could find that particular virtue. He wouldn't push when Sebastian wanted him to know. From the way his friend was acting, whatever had happened had been painful and Alec wasn't going to force Sebastian to confront that when he might not be ready. "Knowing that you want to tell me is enough."

They would have time to deal with the painful parts of the past and all the things that they didn't want to think of yet. Or Alec didn't want to think of when Sebastian was offering to let them eat in his bedroom. On his bed.

He was not going to blush over that even if his heart stuttered at the thought. They were friends. That meant it was okay to do things like that. Alec just thought that it might mean something else. "We could watch a movie." That would be more distracting than the music which would keep Alec from wondering about if there was more to what was going on between them than best friends getting to know each other again. "Maybe music later?"

"I will tell you. I promise." Just not right now and maybe not even tonight. He wanted to enjoy being happy with his best friend. Celebrate being with him again and knowing they may never have to be apart again.

"A movie sounds nice. Which movie would you like to watch?" He asked, taking a breath and regrettably and shyly untangling his fingers from Alec's. But only so he could grab the food and some plates for them. He passed Alec the plates from the cupboard and started putting the food back in the bag to carry to the bedroom.

Sebastian couldn't stop smiling at the thought that they were actually going to watch a movie together in a space where they didn't have to hide from anyone. He couldn't keep himself from looking at Alec as if seeing him for the first time all over again. Wanting to see how different and similar he was after all this time.

"I know you will." They'd never kept the important things from each other. At least not the things that they were allowed to tell. Alec had never told his friend about Shadowhunters but it hadn't really seemed important to him. Did it really matter that Alec was Nephilim? It was part of who he was just as much as the color of his eyes. It couldn't be changed and he was forbidden to tell a Mundane. Sebastian wouldn't want him punished for telling him. Especially when it might mean that Alec would never be able to talk to him again.

The question about the movie caused Alec to mentally scramble for an answer. He was so unaware of Mundane culture most of the time that he had no idea what was out. He wasn't even sure what type of movies Sebastian liked. "I like comic book ones," he blurted out, mentally wincing as he remembered how Izzy and Jace reacted whenever he wanted to watch that type of movie. "But if you don't like those... anything but horror is fine."

Horror didn't bother him except it was so inaccurate and people acted so silly in the things that he couldn't stand them most of the time.

Taking the plates, Alec tried not to be nervous about spending time so close to his best friend. He did similar things with Jace all the time and it didn't bother him. Well, most of the time it didn't. Noticing Sebastian's smile, his heart skipped and he suddenly felt clumsy.

Making sure that he wouldn't drop anything he followed Sebastian to the bedroom. Realizing that Sebastian was watching him, he gave his friend a sheepish smile. "Everything okay?"

"Better than they have been in a long time." Sebastian smiled brighter-if it was even possible-but then his shoulder hit the door frame because he was paying more attention to Alec than where he was going.

He was glad he had a good hold on the food otherwise it would have ended up on the floor and they wouldn't have a distraction to keep him from thinking things about Alec that maybe he shouldn't.

"I like comic book movies. Maybe we can find one neither of us have seen."

Yes. Pretend he didn't just run into a wall. Alec couldn't have noticed him actually running into the door frame.

The smile that Sebastian gave him caused his breath to catch. Even after years of friendship, Alec had never seen Sebastian smile at him like that. He couldn't remember anyone looking so happy because of him. "Good. They're better for me too."

Somehow he kept the laughter out of his voice when Sebastian ran into the wall but his lips twitched as he fought back a grin. He almost convinced himself that it was just excitement that had made Sebastian clumsy but he had the feeling that it was the same reason why people stared at him when Izzy dragged him to nightclubs.

"I haven't seen many of them. Izzy and Jace usually pick the movies." And Alec went along with whatever they chose. It was easier than dealing with the teasing.

"I wanted to see the new Spiderman." It felt strange making the suggestion instead of following along but it was right when he was with Sebastian.

Sebastian set the food on a tray on his dresser and then moved it over to the bed for them. The bed was mostly made as he'd barely slept in it the night before.

"I haven't seen the new Spiderman. I've wanted to." He hadn't been in a good place to enjoy it. But looking at Alec, holding plates and standing in his bedroom, he thought he was in the best he could be to enjoy it now. "I'm glad things are better for you, Alec."

He stood there smiling at Alec until he realized he should probably be a better host. "Come make yourself comfortable."

Looking around the room, he glanced briefly at the bed and flushed slightly. There was no reason to be embarrassed about but he suddenly felt shy. They weren't going to do anything. He didn't even know if Sebastian would be interested. They hadn't seen each other in years. Sebastian could have a boyfriend or not think of Alec like that.

"Then Spiderman?" He sounded more hopeful than he expected, mentally wincing at his tone. He really needed to voice his opinion more often if he sounded that excited over seeing a movie. Or he needed to quit thinking about sitting on the bed, eating take out, and watching a movie like they were on a date instead of just catching up.

Moving into the room, he kept telling himself 'just friends' as he set down the plates. For a moment, he stared at the bed, wondering what exactly he should do. Every way of getting comfortable he thought of seemed a little too intimate.

Shaking off that thought, he started unlacing his boots, hoping that would be enough of a distraction. "You should sit down too." Which might give Alec an idea of what would be polite since he had no idea. It didn't seem right to just plop down on the bed the way Jace would.

"The Amazing Spider-Man." Sebastian smiled, removing his own shoes and climbing onto the bed. He started rearranging the pillows so they could be more comfortable, putting his and Alec's next to each other. And then slightly apart. And then together again. How close was too close?

Was he being clingy? Did Alec think he was being clingy? They hadn't seen each other in so long and Alec seemed to have missed him just as much so they could sit side by side.

So much going through his head all at once he actually felt nervous. Jack had been the only person other than Alec that he'd share a close friendship with. But they had also been lovers. So was inviting Alec to his room too much for Alec as a friend? Was Alec being hesitant about things or was he imagining it?

He settled back against his pillows and picked up the remote for the television. Alec was removing his shoes so he took the chance to watch him again.

"I still can't get over the shock of seeing you again. I'm so happy you must think I'm being ridiculous about everything."

"My little brother has the comics. Sometimes he lets me read them. When he's not mad at me for taking away his toys." Technically a stele wasn't a toy but he wasn't going to explain that to Sebastian or how disasters seemed to follow Max around. It might give Sebastian the wrong impression of his Max.

Watching Sebastian rearrange the pillows, he slowly began to relax. He was just as nervous as Alec even if Alec wasn't sure why. Sebastian had suggested the movie so why would he be acting shy?

Maybe this wasn't normal. Alec didn't really have a scale or any idea of what boundaries might be for a Mundane. His only real friends were Izzy and Jace and he couldn't use them as a model. Parabatai were different even among Shadowhunters and Izzy loved to drive him crazy.

Swinging his legs onto the bed, he gave Sebastian a small smile that steadied when his friend said he was happy to see him. "I'm just as happy. You're my first friend, Sebastian. You were the only person I could really be myself with." Alec had missed that when Sebastian had moved and it had worsened when all contact had stopped. "I just don't want to mess anything up. I'm not good at being social. At least that's what my family says."

Sebastian took Alec's hand in his the way Alec had earlier. Twining their fingers together. He thought their hands looked nice like this. Like they were meant to be together.

The thought made him blush, but he only held on tighter. "Being the oldest must be hard sometimes."

He frowned a bit at Alec and turned a little face him.

"I'm horrible at being social. But that didn't stop us from becoming friends. When I saw you in the theater it was the first time I wanted something so deeply I was willing to risk making my father angry. Or worse. And I haven't regretted that decision. So you can't mess things up."

"It's..." What could he say? He was the heir. He was supposed to continue the family name and protect his siblings. His parents had basically abandoned them except to show his siblings off to the Clave as the shiny examples of what Shadowhunters should be. It was hard but it felt wrong to say it. Except he hated lying to Sebastian about something that he could talk about. "It is but I have to be there for my family."

Looking down at their hands, Alec smiled softly, relaxing for what felt like the first time in years. He didn't have to pretend with Sebastian. He could be honest without worrying that he'd be a disappointment. He was with someone he cared about that had been an important part of his life since they'd met.

It seemed right that they were sitting together, holding hands, ready to eat dinner and watch a movie. Like this should be something that should happen every night.

"No. Everyone would have said we shouldn't be friends." Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be friends with Mundanes. Technically, they weren't supposed to be friends with anyone except Nephilim. "I felt the same way about you. I knew my family would be angry." Even now they'd be angry if they found out. "But I wanted to talk to someone who understood why I loved music. I hope you're right about not being able to mess things up. I don't want to lose you now that we found each other again."

"You won't." The response was instant and absolute. Sebastian understood the pain of losing someone, not just once, but twice. He'd missed Alec so very much when Jack had come into his life. And he'd missed Alec while Jack was still in his life. Jack hadn't replaced any part of the friendship he'd found with Alec.

It was the thought of losing Alec after everything that happened and finding him again that made his chest squeeze painfully tight. He turned away and wiped his cheek against his shoulder, reaching for the tray and pulling it closer.

"It took me a long time to find my way back to you. I'm not going anywhere, Alec."

He couldn't hide this from Alec. Not Alec. But he couldn't talk about it either. So he pulled Alec's hand to his lips and kissed it before slowly attempting to pull his fingers free. "Hungry?"

Alec was going to protest that Sebastian couldn't make that promise. Shadowhunters grew up knowing how dangerous life could be. Being a Mundane didn't change those risks. But he heard something in Sebastian's voice that made him hold back. He couldn't deny Sebastian's words when it seemed so important to his friend. Or when he saw that covert gesture that looked like Sebastian might be wiping away tears.

"Neither one of us is." He knew he should say more but he wasn't sure what. They both had been hurt by the distance that had been forced between them but what could he say to make that go away.

Still trying to think of something to comfort his friend, Alec his thoughts stilled when Sebastian kissed his hand. For a moment, he stared at Sebastian, breath catching slightly as he realized what had happened. That... that wasn't a normal friendship type gesture. Even parabatai didn't do things like that.

Maybe Sebastian really did think...

"I - uh - " Yes, he was but there was something he needed to do first before he tried to rationalize what Sebastian had done. His heart ached and he felt like he was about to confront a demon by himself but he had to see if he was reading things right. Keeping is fingers tangled with his friends, Alec leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Sebastian's lips, hoping that he wasn't wrong.

Sebastian started to smile at the way Alec held onto his hand. His friend was promising the same and somehow he didn't doubt it would be true. They wouldn't be separated by anyone or anything outside of their friendship. This time they could choose what they wanted and they were choosing to be stay together.

He knew promises couldn't always be kept. Sometimes there were things out of their control. But having the choice made their promises to each other more real.

Like the touch of Alec's lips against his own. It surprised him in a way that seemed to freeze his thoughts and make his heart suddenly beat harder and faster. It was perfect and sweet and thrilling all at once and for a moment all Sebastian could do was be kissed and then stare.

Alec kissed him.

He'd read things wrong. Sebastian didn't react when he kissed him and the way he was staring... He shouldn't have done it. The Clave said it was wrong. Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be gay and they weren't supposed to have feelings for Mundanes.

Swallowing hard, he tried to hide the hurt that ached in his chest. At least Sebastian had promised that nothing would ruin their friendship. Slowly, he uncurled his fingers from Sebastian's ready to move off the bed if that was what his friend wanted. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

The loss of Alec's warmth was enough to make Sebastian blink and look down at their hands. At his hand. Alec was pulling away when all Sebastian wanted was to pull him in closer and...kiss him.

It wasn't a thought he needed to have. It wasn't a decision he needed to make. It wasn't even a question. He wanted Alec. He wanted to kiss him. And so he did. Lurching forward almost clumsily to grab Alec's face and hold him before he could move too far away. Not a soft, sweet press of lips. If Jack had taught him anything about himself it was that he couldn't let fear stop him from being who he wanted to be or keep him from expressing himself to the people he cared for most in this world. He'd learned too late what needed to be said and done, but he would not be too late this time.

If anything he was probably rushing things between him and Alec, but he could argue later that Alec had started it. Alec had kissed him. Not on the hand or the cheek. On the lips. And in that moment everything had become more clear to Sebastian.

He had always loved Alec.

And he kissed him with all the emotion he had tangled up inside of himself.

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet_cellist)

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