angelic_archer | Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet_cellist)

Alec had been sneaking into the concert hall for years. Since he was a little boy feeling lost in a family that ignored him unless it was to groom him into the ideal heir. He practiced and studied and part of him had longed for something he hadn't understood until he'd heard music from the symphony drifting through the air one night. Then Alec had finally understood what was missing. It'd been like finding a missing part of his heart and he'd soon started sneaking out at night to be able to hear them play. He eventually found every place in the city where he could sneak in and listen to the sweeping music without being noticed.

That was how he'd found Sebastian. A kind, mundane boy with the Sight who hadn't been afraid of a boy with marks all over his skin who wanted to listen to others play, wishing he could learn to make soul lifting music. But Shadowhunters weren't supposed to focus on trivial things like music. Sebastian had made him realize it wasn't bad to want those things he couldn't have. That others loved music just as much as Alec did. He finally didn't feel weird or like he was disappointing anyone.

They'd been best friends for years until Sebastian's family had moved away. They'd found a way to communicate, letters written that Alec carefully edited to make sure that Sebastian never found out about the Shadow World. Then the letters had stopped and Alec had retreated into quiet solitude, being the leader his family expected and his siblings needed. But sometimes...

Sometimes he had to sneak out, always finding his way to the place where he'd met Sebastian. There he could let go of all the expectations and be himself instead of the person his family needed. A few carefully placed runes kept anyone from noticing him as he crept to through the building to the walkways that Sebastian had shown him. The perfect place to listen without having anyone notice him. Sitting down in their favorite spot, Alec sighed, closing his eyes to focus on the music but he couldn't stop thinking about Sebastian and how much he missed him.

There were times when Alec worried that something terrible had happened to his friend and others that he was able to convince himself that Sebastian was just busy. Hopefully he was safe and had just forgotten about the 'invisible boy' he'd met while listening to the symphony. Maybe someday he'd remember and Alec would hear from him again.

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Sebastian was so grateful for the teasing he couldn't even think of a proper response, simply smiling, and he thought he felt the heat of a blush in his cheeks when he turned to lead the way back down the familiar path. How many times had they met here when they were children?

"Maybe dinner later if you don't have anywhere you need to be?" He asked, looking back at Alec. Seeing him there was like seeing him for the first time all over again only better and he smiled brighter before looking away. If he didn't watch his step he would miss a step and that would be embarrassing.

Before he could think, he reached out to take Sebastian's hand the way he always had when they were boys. Alec had always worried that his Mundane friend would get hurt and he'd tried to protect him even when Alec was barely trained. It took him a moment to realize what he'd done, flushing brightly at the contact but unable to pull away.

"No one will be looking for me until morning." They'd been given the night off with little chance of being needed for a mission. It was why he'd risked sneaking out. He knew Izzy wouldn't tell on him but Alec wasn't sure he wanted Jace to know about his visits to the symphony. Not everything had to be shared between parabatai no matter how much he cared about Jace.

Seeing that smile made him feel lighter. Like he had when they were kids. Almost. There was something else that made him blush brighter. "I'd like to have dinner with you."

Sebastian didn't think anyone else could make his heart race or his entire face burn. He'd never hidden the fact that he loved his best friend. He cared very much about Alec. But the moment Alec took his hand, the way he had so many times before, felt different. Or just different to him because they were both older now. He wasn't sure. And then he really did miss a step when Alec said no one would be looking for him until morning because his first thought was Alec should spend the night.

He was glad Alec had a hold of his hand because his instinct was to grip tighter and reach for something to hold onto, which turned out to be him. But when he found himself facing Alec, who looked even taller standing on the step above him, he realized they were both blushing. Although, he wasn't sure why Alec was blushing. Did he have similar thoughts? Was his heart racing too?

"I-uh-sorry. Missed a step." He smiled and then laughed, he was being ridiculous. This was Alec. His best friend.

How could everything be familiar and different at the same time? Alec felt like he'd stepped back into the past, grinning at his best friend, treasuring the few hours of true happiness he'd have while he was with Sebastian. But there was also something new that had Alec blushing and his chest feeling funny. Like it did sometimes when he looked at Jace except it was stronger than it had ever been with his parabatai.

His happiness shattered when Sebastian stumbled and fear slid down his spine. He tugged Sebastian close, knowing that he'd stay upright even if all of his weight fell against him. Alec would keep him safe. He'd make sure that Sebastian didn't fall.

He swallowed hard as he realized that nothing had happened. None of his childhood fears for his Mundane friend were true. He'd been so afraid of losing Sebastian since his parents had always told him that Mundanes were fragile. They weren't but those old thoughts weren't easily shoved aside.

Giving Sebastian an apologetic smile, he slowly let go so that he was just holding hands with his friend again. "I'd rather you fall on me than down the stairs." The sound of Sebastian's laughter caused his heart to stutter and suddenly he remembered the odd fluttery feeling he'd felt whenever they'd been together before Sebastian's family moved. "You don't have to apologize."

"Gladly." Sebastian looked stunned for a moment that he'd actually said it outloud and then slowly stood aside, leaving room for Alec. He was happy Alec didn't let go completely and started down the stairs again, being more careful this time.

"Where would you like to eat? Or...we could get take-out and go back to my place. After tea. It's not far. We could walk from the shop. Or eat at a resturaunt. Whichever you prefer." Okay. He was rambling a bit wasn't he?

Edited 2016-02-28 03:21 (UTC)

He arched an eyebrow at Sebastian's response, not quite sure what his friend meant. Especially when he'd been blushing before. Suddenly he wished he understood people the way Izzy and Jace did. Then he realized that they didn't know Sebastian. He was Alec's friend. One of his first and the only one that Alec had that wasn't connected to his family or being a Shadowhunter.

Moving carefully around Sebastian, he started down the stairs again, gently squeezing his friend's hand as they headed toward the main floor. Pausing on one of the steps, he looked over his shoulder to smile brightly at Sebastian. He'd never been able to see where his friend lived and he'd never been able to show the Institute to Sebastian.

"I'd like to see your place. If you don't mind. We never... We couldn't ever just sit and talk without worrying about someone catching us before." Alec hadn't realized how much he wanted that until he realized they could go somewhere safe where they didn't have to hide. "Take out at your apartment?"

Sebastian was so happy to hear Alec wanted the same things he did. To just sit and talk freely without hiding or worrying. He'd always feared his father finding out where he went during the symphony when he could get away to be with Alec. He was so happy he almost hugged Alec again. But that wasn't a good idea considering they were still on the stairs and he'd already missed a step once.

Except Alec had said-No. He couldn't actually fall on Alec.

"I don't mind at all. We can grab something on the way."

He was glad when they'd reached the main floor and could walk side by side again, not even thinking about whether or not Alec was invisible.

Tension that Alec hadn't even noticed eased out of his shoulders. No hiding. No having to keep up the image he was forced into at the Institute and at home. He could be himself around Sebastian without worry about what others might think of him.

"No one is going to worry about me being there?" Alec doubted that Sebastian would have suggested it if there was but he was curious about his friend's life now that he was back in New York. He could have a roommate or be dating someone...

Why was he worrying about that?

When they reached the main floor, Alec knew that he should let go of Sebastian's hand but he didn't want to. He loosened his hold slightly, waiting to see what his friend would do. If he didn't let go, then he wouldn't pull away. "I know the coffee shops here but not the restaurants. We usually eat closer to home or I just grab something from whichever place is open before I go back."

Sebastian didn't let go and he didn't care if Alec was invisible or not when he stood in front of him and smiled. "No one who matters. We can walk right in the front door and take the elevator just like everyone else. No hiding."

And he meant that on so many levels. If there was one thing losing Jack had taught him was that he didn't want to hide anymore. Not just the part of himself Alec said had the Sight, but the part of himself that fell in love with a boy.

"Do you trust me to pick the food?"

"No hiding," Alec echoed, trying to grasp a concept that had been missing from his life since he'd realized that he wasn't the son his parents wanted. He didn't have to pretend with Sebastian. The Mundanes around them wouldn't care if he held his best friend's hand. It wouldn't matter if people assumed that they were more than just friends.

The idea was terrifying and exhilarating.

"Have we ever been able to be just like everyone else?" Alec couldn't remember ever having that chance with with Sebastian. "Of course I trust you to pick the food. Izzy's the one I don't trust with food."

"No. And I can't wait to find out what it feels like." Sebastian smiled brightly. And then he realized he was staring at Alec and felt his face burn again as he looked around for the exit.

When he finally could focus on something other than Alec's smile and bright blue eyes and the thought that they could walk hand in hand to a tea shop or a restaurant and not have to pretend anything he started for the doors, only releasing Alec's hand long enough to put his gloves back on.

"How is your sister, Izzy?"

"I can't either." His face felt too warm and he knew he was blushing again. Why was he blushing? He hadn't acted like this since Jace had grown out of the gawky phase and decided to show off by parading around without a shirt. After that Alec had been forced to learn how to hide the bright color that was so obvious with his coloration. Why wasn't he able to hide like he normally did?

Maybe after years of confiding in Sebastian, he couldn't hide from his best friend. "I almost don't remember what it's like not to hide."

The thought would have dimmed his mood if he didn't have Sebastian beside him, holding his hand. Even when his friend let go, his happiness didn't lessen. He considered the gloves and scarf and realized he probably looked under dressed for the weather. He was too used to hours spent in the cold during missions to really think about it anymore. The only gloves he had with him were the ones he wore when hunting.

Did he even own a pair of gloves that were meant to just keep someone warm?

Shaking off the thought, Alec told himself that Sebastian wouldn't think he was weird. He knew about Alec's lack of fashion sense and he was used to the ways he was 'odd' compared to Mundanes.

"Izzy's... Izzy." For years that description would have been enough for Sebastian to understand Alec's sister but now he wasn't sure if it was enough. "She's doing everything she can to drive my parents crazy. It's going to get her in trouble but she won't listen when I tell her to be careful."

"Then we should rediscover what it feels like." Sebastian smiled, holding out his hand to Alec. The only thing he remembered about being free to be himself was Alec. Alec was always a part of that feeling, those memories. He wanted Alec to be apart of them again.

"She seems like the wild child in comparison." He teased. "Maybe getting your parents attention is exactly what she's trying to do."

There had been a time when Sebastian had wanted his father's attention. But the last few years he'd avoided him or fought with him, there hadn't been an in between. Not until after Jack was gone. His father had only recently found the courage to apologize and to try and explain, but Sebastian wasn't feeling very forgiving. It had just made him more angry and hurt.

Seeing Alec made everything feel like it really truly could be okay again. He was smiling and happy for the for the first time in so long and it had everything to do with Alec. Alec had always made him feel this way and despite all the years apart and everything that had happened he still felt the way he always had.

Only there was something else that made taking Alec's hand feel like he had butterflies in his stomach.

"Are you going to be warm enough?" He asked, thinking about the fact they had never been anywhere other than here together.

Alec knew that he couldn't really stop hiding. Not with his parents wanting him to be the ideal son who would save their political careers. But for a few hours he could be himself. He could hold hands and laugh with his best friend without worrying that someone might see. Another reason why going to Sebastian's apartment would be the best choice. If there was no fear of being discovered Alec could let go of all those expectations.

"She is." Alec couldn't keep the worry from his voice. "I keep waiting for my parents to punish or send her away." He wasn't sure if his mother would really do that but he'd seen how angry she could get with Izzy's rebellions. It wasn't hard for him to imagine Maryse sending Izzy to one of the other Institutes so that she'd get away from the Seelie boyfriend that the Clave wouldn't approve of. "I can't imagine her not being here with us."

Sighing, he shook off thoughts of his family, wanting to focus on Sebastian. For a moment, he really didn't understand what his friend asked then remembered he wasn't bundled up like most of New York. "I'm kind of used to the weather." His ratty coat was enough and his leather gloves really didn't look like they were meant for winter. "The coffee shop isn't that far away. I'll be okay."

Sebastian squeezed Alec's hand, wanting to offer some kind of comfort. But he knew too well the wrath of a parent and how far they would go to do what they believed was right. It made him sad to think of Alec losing his sister. He also worried Alec would get cold walking all the way to his apartment without at least something to keep him warm.

He stood in front of Alec and let go of his hand. "May I?" He asked, unwinding his scarf. Jack's scarf. The one he'd given him and then taken back. He didn't hesitate to offer it to Alec. It seemed right that Jack's scarf would keep them both warm today. "Just until we reach my apartment?"

"I - Uh - " Staring down at Sebastian, he tried to ignore how his heart raced when his friend moved closer. There was no reason to be nervous or shy. They were older now but thing important things hadn't changed. Except maybe they had because he hadn't felt this when they were younger. "You may..."

Ducking his head, he tried to ignore how near Sebastian was and the kindness of the offer. When was the last time someone had done something kind for him? Alec was the one who gave. He made sure that his siblings were safe and had everything they needed. No one made sure that Alec had what he needed.

He had a strange urge to snuggle into the warm fabric after it was wrapped around his neck. "Thank you."

"I know you said you're okay, but it is really cold out today." Sebastian carefully wrapped the scarf and if his fingers brushed against Alec's jaw or neck and he silently wished he hadn't put on his gloves he tried not to let it show in his expression. But his face was warm despite being more exposed without the scarf. "Ready?"

He should probably give Alec back his personal space, but he couldn't seem to make himself step back or stop staring.

At least, not until he felt the gust of cold wind as the main doors were opened to let out a group who were hurrying to their black SUV. More people started to fill the lobby so Sebastian quickly grabbed Alec's hand and pulled him out the door as if they really could be caught. Just like when they were kids.

"No one ever worries about me." Mentally, he winced at how that sounded. He knew that Jace and Izzy loved him but they always assumed that he could take care of himself. The were few little gestures to show that affection so having someone offer that kindness was new to him.

And no one looked at him the way Sebastian was. Even when he used to have daydreams about Jace he didn't imagine that expression. It made him want Sebastian to stay close while they ignored the rest of the world.

The cold air shocked him out of his daze and he followed Sebastian out the door, grinning as they made their escape. It was so much like when they were kids that he felt lighter. Like his worried about his family and the Clave had vanished. Squeezing Sebastian's hand, he told him where the coffee shop was while making sure that there wasn't any dangers nearby. He doubted that they'd encounter any demons, but he had promised himself he'd keep Sebastian safe and he wasn't going to take any risks with his best friend.

Sebastian spent the entire time at the shop, and the walk back to his apartment, smiling and trying to catch glimpses of Alec without him noticing. He was trying to figure out this new unexpected feeling that didn't seem to be going away, only getting stronger.

The food was warm compared to the chill of the wind, but not as warm as Alec's smile and his company. He looked good in the green, too. Conversation was light. He talked about things he'd written to Alec about, but didn't stray too close to things he knew he would have to say. He just didn't want to say them in an elevator or in public.

"I'm still decorating so there isn't much here. A bed. A table. A couch. Dishes."

Everything felt easy between them. There was no tension, no worries that Alec would have thought would happen after years of being separated. But it was like nothing had really kept them apart. They smiled and laughed the way they had as kids.

Except now Sebastian wasn't the shy boy from Alec's memories. He was bright and vibrant like he remembered, but he was also grown up. That particular difference had Alec sneaking glances at his friend, trying not to blush.

Food and tea gave him something to pretend to be interested in when he really only paid attention to Sebastian. He helped keep the conversation focused on light subjects, not wanting to discuss the things he used to talk to his best friend about yet. He wanted happy, light moments to counteract the darkness that had been taking over his life.

Smiling at his best friend, he squeezed Sebastian's hand. "That's all you really need. I like simple. Home is... overstated in some way. Like my parents need to prove who they are instead of making it comfortable." Hopefully Sebastian didn't have that kind of tastes and he'd accidentally offended him. "It's hard to relax there."

"I want you to be comfortable here." Sebastian looked up at Alec as he unlocked the door to his apartment and pushed it open. He moved aside and offered to let Alec go first. "You can help me decorate."

Because he wasn't planning to leave. Not when Alec was here. He couldn't imagine being anywhere else and a part of him regretted ever having left. It was a difficult feeling to have because he had loved Jack so very much. He didn't regret Jack. But Jack had been the only light in his life after Alec.

He hadn't been exaggerating about his apartment being sparse. Couch with pillows and throw blankets. Dining room table with sheets of music and notes. The kitchen was clean and most of the cupboards bare. The bedroom had the most. Bed, wardrobe, dresser, cello, stereo, desk, laptop. he clearly spent more time in his bedroom than anywhere else. It wasn't a large apartment, but it was comfortable and it was his own.

"You're welcome to come here anytime, Alec. Night or day." He wanted Alec to have space to be himself that didn't involve sneaking in. And they could see each other anytime. They wouldn't have to wait until the symphony.

"You really want my help?" For a moment, he stared at Sebastian, not quite believing that someone cared about his comfort. Jace and Izzy did in their own way but it was an abstract thing. He was Izzy's brother so he knew that she wanted him to be happy. Jace was his parabatai so they were two parts of one whole, but this was different. This was being thought of. Someone saying that they wanted him to be happy and wanting to make choices to ensure he was comfortable was new to him. "But it's your apartment."

There was an unspoken 'why' in his tone that hinted at how rare it was that people considered him and his wishes.

As they stepped inside, Alec told himself that he was going to make Sebastian uncomfortable if he kept acting like kindness was new to him. Even if in some ways it really was. He'd start thinking Alec was abused or being locked up against his will and he'd escaped to visit to listen to the symphony.

He smiled when he saw the music, wanting to ask questions but not sure which he should ask first. "Thank you. Are you sure about 'night or day'. I keep strange hours." Hours that most Mundanes wouldn't understand or would make them suspicious. He'd have to think of something to tell Sebastian even if he hated the idea of lying. "I like you apartment. It has what's important."

"It has my name on the mailbox, but I want it to be a place where you can be you, too." Sebastian wondered if maybe it was too much too soon. They hadn't seen each other in years. But they'd known each other before and Alec had known him better than anyone ever could.

"I've never lived alone before." And he hadn't realized how alone he'd been even surrounded by people. "I'm sure. Night or day." He didn't sleep well most of the time anyways. "It has most of what's important."

He blushed and headed for the kitchen before Alec could realize what he meant.

"I'd like it if you helped me add personal touches. You could even keep foods that you like here for when you stay. If it's too much...I know we haven't seen each other in so long this probably seems strange to offer...It's just..." He stopped pulling food out of the bags. "I've missed you, Alec."

His place too... That was... Sebastian couldn't be offering. They'd been friends for years but then Sebastian had stopped contacting him. Did he really want Alec to take that kind of place in his life after whatever happened?

Jace would offer the same thing but they were parabatai. They were inseparable in most ways. Everyone would think it was the norm not something unusual if Jace offered his home to Alec. Maybe Sebastian saw him like that? A friend that was so close that it was automatic to offer a place for them to think of as home. "I - uh - Thank you, Sebastian."

Alec hoped that Sebastian didn't see him like a parabatai. It's broken his heart when he'd realized Jace wouldn't ever notice him. There was a similar ache in his chest when he thought of Sebastian seeing him the same way. "If it's okay then I'll visit whenever I can."

The comment about what was important caused him to pause, looking around the apartment and then began to wonder what Sebastian had meant. "Someplace that's like a home?" That sounded sad but it was the only way that Alec could think of phrasing it. The Institute wasn't home and none of the places his family stayed were welcoming.

"It's not too much," he said, the words rushed as he realized Sebastian might change his mind. Maybe he wouldn't want Alec around at all hours. "I've missed you too. It is strange but I like strange." That didn't sound right but he kept going. "I kept wishing you'd come back and now you're here. I want to be able to come here whenever I want. If you're really okay with it."

It was a rush of emotions-or more like a tidal wave-that had Sebastian turning and going straight to Alec, hugging him again like he had at the symphony. He didn't want to lose all the happy feelings and smiles and familiar conversation. But they were safe now. In a safe place where no one could watch them or judge them.

"I'm really okay with you. You can have the spare key and you can leaves things here if you want." He took a deep breath and forced himself to release Alec. They had plenty of time now. And food. And time. Together. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. And I'm so very sorry I disappeared. There is so much to tell you and I don't know where to start or how to even...It's not good things, Alec."

Another breath in and out.

"I want to hear everything about you, too. Good and bad. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing with me. I know I don't deserve to ask after not hearing from me and I just showed up without even telling you I was coming."

He realized he'd said a lot in barely a few breaths and looked up at Alec sort of worried he'd said too much. The last thing he wanted was to overwhelm his friend.

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks (for dulcet_cellist)

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